Excerpt for Meet Alice by , available in its entirety at Smashwords


Has anyone ever told you that you were odd or a walking disaster?

Have you ever felt you weren’t beautiful enough or good enough to date the handsome guy next door?

Meet Alice, she knows what it feels like to be the uneven number. This tale begins on New Year’s evening and follows Alice on her path to self-discovery, a path that leads her through horrific dates, mental institutions and hidden stories from the past. With a little help from her friends, Alice goes on a journey with a lot of surprises and supernatural occurrences.

Will Alice be able to cope with what she finds or are some things better left alone?

I dedicate this book to my readers.

Believe in yourself, always.


lle Osfang was born and raised in the cold of northern Europe, called Scandinavia. In Denmark to be exact. She has a bachelor of education and has formerly taught at primary schools. She’s an ordinary worker by day and a writer by night. She’s a great fan of the show True Blood. Meet Alice is her debut Noveletta.

Copyright Elle Osfang© 2017

sia’s Print & Digital Publisher

The events depicted in this book are fictitious. All persons portrayed are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.


a story of courage


Elle Osfang


Hello, my name is Alice. I was born on planet Earth in the 1980s. I am a misfit.

A misfit is a person who is different from other people and who does not belong to a particular group or situation. Or at least I think I am.

I don’t remember being born but I believe that I was wanted. My parents are rich people. My dad earned his money in the oil industry. My mother was an actress. Now she is a washed-up actress.

I don’t think my parents ever understood me as I never understood them. They wanted to maintain their life in high society and expected me to do the same.

I learned that I was weird already as a small child because I have certain abilities. School was a struggle, but I was smart, so I pulled through. I never had many friends. I did have one friend though. She’s still my friend today. Priscilla.

After high school, I got an internship at a shipping company as a shipping assistant.

The main responsibility a shipping assistant is to provide assistance with the shipping documentation of imports and exports. The assistant assists in the preparation of the lists of items and of the invoices, files export orders, arranges domestic carriers, maintains documentation related to shipping activities, provides customer service, receives equipment on behalf of the organization, monitors the status of a shipment and serves in an administrative capacity.

This was not the career my parents intended for me. They did not think I could do the job either, as it is a job that requires you to be a well-organized person, keen on details and committed to serving customers. I proved to be good at it and was promoted to general manager. I live a life in confusion. I don’t understand my distant parents and my love life is difficult. Events occur, and mysteries unfold before I can unravel the truth.

This journey will tear down my world but also rebuild it.

Enough of the chit chat.

What you are about to read is a strange story of my life. It is a rollercoaster filled with twists and turns. It is a dark ride. Things aren’t always what they seem.

Finish reading the story, no matter how weird, or out of touch you find it. I promise you, it will surprise you.


Damn. It is January 1st and my mouth feels like cotton wool. What the hell did I do last night? I have a piece of pizza attached to my face. The room is spinning, and I am trying to sit up. I look around the room. It is full of people sleeping and it is filled with beer bottles.

That’s right. Leo’s New Year’s party. I get to my feet and step over a few people. I am going to be sick. I make to the bathroom and throws up. I take a sip of water from the sink and sit on toilet seat.

I rub my head in agony. Oh, my god. Then it all starts to come back to me. I did a fucking striptease. What the hell is wrong with me? When I drink, I lose all inhibitions. It helps me overcome my insecurities. I have to leave, but how will I get home? How did I even get here?

I stagger to the living room to gather my things; I am getting out while I can …with no one asking questions.

I did not show up with much. All the booze has been drunk so no extra baggage for me.

I pick up my cellphone from the floor. It is all sticky. Oh shit. Hopefully, I have not drowned it in booze. I try to wipe it clean with my shirt.

I wonder; how did I get here last night? My brain hurts as it is trying to come up with an answer. Mick! Mick drove me. Well, he drove us. Mick is Priscilla's brother. He was going our way anyway. Priscilla and I kicked off the party at McGinty's. It is a pub in the city centre. Priscilla called Mick.

Mick’s friend Nate has a major crush on Priscilla, so he talked Mick into driving us to Leo’s party.

I had a couple of pints at McGinty’s and started singing along to the jukebox. A couple of guys came over to the table and began buying us drinks. It is because of Priscilla. It always is. Guys don’t find me attractive. This one time a guy called me Emily the Strange. I guess I am kind of strange.

I have this weird relationship with death. I don’t really fear it. My biggest fear is to grow old. So, I decided that night to let go of my fears and just live. Anyway, one of the guys tried to score with Priscilla while the other guy, stuck with me, constantly ran back and forth to the bathroom. I remember thinking that he must have a bladder problem and that he needed to see a doctor. I screamed along to AC/DC’s Highway to Hell and fell off my chair.

I had to pee and staggered to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. My eyeliner was smeared down my cheeks and the black eye shadow was no longer on my eyelids but on my forehead. No wonder the poor guy had a bladder problem. I did my business on the toilet and went to clean my face.

I washed my face with hand soap. I thought for a moment that I would go blind when the soap got under the eyelids and into my eyes. I howled in pain and slapped on water so hard that it resulted in my pants getting wet. Great. Not only do I look like I belong in Clown Posse. I also look like I pissed myself.

The hand dryer comes to my rescue. I take off my pants and the dryer starts cooking. I have not shaved my legs. So I look like a monkey. Hopefully, no one will enter.

I inspect myself in the mirror. My ass looks great. The yoga exercises Fiona gave me is really working. The door into the restroom slams open and a girl and guy enters in.

They do not notice me. They are too busy with one and another. The guy has his tongue down the girl’s throat that I start to wonder whether he’s kissing her or removing her tonsils. They ram into the door to a toilet booth. The guy is desperate to get the door open. He is beginning to sweat as the girl reads his attempt to open the door as a lack of interest. I can't take it anymore. I step forward and open the door.

The guys wink at me in relief. The door closes, and I continue to dry my pants. The sounds from the booth are getting louder. A young woman comes in and heads straight for the booth next to the lovers.

She pours out some white powder on the toilet seat and takes a huge sniff inward. A smile appears on her face. She points to me as in saying; do you want in? I shake my head. I am already in too deep in with alcohol. My pants are almost dry, and getting ready to leave when the bar manager enters.

What the hell is going on in here?’

I shake my head. ‘I have no idea. I was just leaving.’

This is not a whorehouse nor a crack house.’ He is mad. He looks at me as well. ‘Put some pants on, monkey legs.’

I follow his orders and get the hell out of there. The woman follows me out. She is laughing hysterically.

I get back into the pub and I hide behind Priscilla. She looks at me. ‘What the hell happened to you?’

You don’t want to know.’

The guys at the bar tried to get to funky with her, so she called Mick; he’s coming to pick up us. The guy and the girl from the restroom return. The guy looks disappointed, the girl looks embarrassed and the manager looks like a volcano ready to explode. I borrow Priscilla's hand mirror and slaps on some eyeliner. Much Better!

We leave McGinty’s and wait by the curve. Mick pulls up in his big ass BMW. He is some sort of computer whiz. Nate is in the passenger seat next to Mick. He is already drooling all over himself like a Labrador. We enter the car and get going.

Nate and Mick are going to some posh new year’s party at some expensive hotel, even though I think Nate rather wants to come with us to Leo’s ‘Come as you are’ party.

Yes, Leo is a true Nirvana fan. He is still into the whole grunge thing. I slept with Leo once, but he nearly died of an asthma attack because he’s out of shape and tried too hard. It must be because of the weed he smokes constantly.

So, we show up at Leo’s party. The house is already rocking, there is no shortage of liquor or weed at those parties.

People are jumping up and down, chugging a beer, dancing or sitting in a corner getting their munchies on.

I look around to find my crew. Priscilla is already talking to some guy I don’t know. Priscilla is the cute one; she is sort of like Penny from ‘The Big Bang Theory’. Guys like her, and she can make them do anything. She is never short of dates.

There is Fiona. She is a yoga instructor, she’s the muscle. I once saw her taking out two guys with her bare fists, because they insulted the Dalai Lama.

Then there is Lynn. She is the smart one; she’s a doctor and she is a master at playing chess. She knows pretty much everything about everything. I sometimes refer to her as Bones. Then there is me. Emily the Strange. The Jokester.

Someone hands me a beer and I step out into the garden. Leo has a huge house with a major garden. It is probably built on drug money. It is cold outside; the sky is clear, and it is like the stars are winking at me.

The alcohol from the pub is settling into a hangover. I close my eyes. Someone jumps me from behind and wraps their arms around me. ‘Hey, hey, hey!’

I'm smiling. ‘Hey, Fiona.’

Fiona hugs me. ‘I am so glad you are here.’ She sounds a bit foggy.

You’re drunk?’ I ask in a sceptical tone.

Nooooo, I am just a bit tipsy.’ Fiona never drinks, it is against her healthy principles. Some wanker must have put something in her soda. I met Fiona at the gym. Priscilla had dragged me there. She drew the conclusion that I was out of shape when I nearly had a heart attack after climbing the 15 steps up to the library. I had a bloody taste in my mouth.

Priscilla looked good in the tiny running shorts and tight tank top. One guy nearly fell off the treadmill. Well, that could also have been because of me. My eighties gym suit in bright colours may have blinded him.

Priscilla went on the cross-trainer. I decided to try my luck on the treadmill. I started to walk, and things were going pretty smoothly, with a light sweat forming on my forehead.

Then I stepped in too deep. I got too frisky. A very handsome man stepped into the gym. I am pretty sure it was Joe Manganiello. You know the werewolf from True Blood!? My first move was to drop the top piece to my sexy gym outfit. I tried to drop it casually behind the treadmill, but the zipper on my t-shirt got stuck.

I tried to stop the treadmill, but I accidentally turned up the speed instead. Panic got the best of me. I ran faster and faster while trying to free myself. I somehow managed to hit the emergency button and the treadmill slowed down.

Saved, except I had not noticed that my shoelace had untied itself. Needless to say, I tripped, fell and looked like an idiot. A few people laughed but Priscilla came to my aid.

She suggested I tried the hand weights instead. I picked a 6-pound weight and began to lift them up and down. Things were going well until Joe Manganiello showed up behind me.

He began lifting an 80-pound bar. His well-shaped muscles lifted up and down in perfect harmony. I could see through his white tank top. I decided to put the hand weight back before an accident could occur but then he smiled at me

I misplaced the hand weight which made it fall on my knee, then continuing down upon my toes.

The sweat was burning in my eyes and I began to limp very fast towards the dressing room. I did not look back.

My knee was bruised and three of my toes were turning blue. The gyms yoga instructor entered the dressing room and saw my pain. Fiona looks like Christine Bullock. She brought me water and attended to my wounds. She told me her name and laughed heartily at my misfortune. She invited me to join her yoga classes. She said that yoga was less dangerous than treadmills and hand weights. Boy, was she wrong.

I treated Priscilla and Fiona to smoothies and new friendships were born along with the nickname ‘Walking Disaster’.

Dance with me!’ Fiona is on a roll. She is all muscle and it is hard to keep up with. We are dancing under the stars when I decide it is getting too cold.

We go inside but as I enter I get jumped by a redhead. Lynn! She loves champagne, expensive stuff. Lynn is a rich kid like me. Only she is really clever, kind and she lives like a queen. She is a very successful doctor. I met Lynn when she was treating me at the hospital.

What happened? I tried to take a selfie with a squirrel and it attacked me; I needed stitches. It turned out that Lynn’s parents know my parents, so we ended up having tea together.

Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. I turn off the music, turn up the lights and I start asking people to go outside.

Eventually, after three people fell down the stairs, eight broken glasses, one injured dude, a flooded basement and two women so drunk they don’t know where the hell they are, Leo and I get everyone out. ‘Flooded Basement Cleanup and Restoration’ arrives and Leo talks to them.

They begin to drain the basement of water. Leo gets the bright idea to move the party next door.

His neighbour is not at home and Leo has the spare key. On our way to the neighbour's house Leo falls off the curb and sprains his ankle. We enter the neighbour's house and the rest is a blur. Anyway, here I am with a mighty hangover. I better leave before Leo’s neighbour comes home.

I get my shit together and am ready to leave when something grabs me by the ankle. It is Lynn. ‘Do not leave me here’ she murmurs in a pile of sweat.

Okay, but get your things. We’re leaving before the cops get here.’

The cops?’ Lynn is more than confused. It looks as if she has been in a carousel too long – one with white horses and little wagons. Lynn staggers. ‘What about Fiona and Priscilla?’ she asks.

I have not seen them. Priscilla is probably with some guy and Fiona is likely at home by now. ‘I think they’re alright!’ My phone is buzzing. It is a text from Priscilla; I’m with Nate. Please come get me.

Lynn sighs. I text Fiona; Where are you?

Fiona; I am home, where are you?

Me; I am with Lynn. We’re still at Leos. when did you leave?

Fiona; I left right after midnight

Me; we have to go get Priscilla

Good luck

We begin to walk when my cell buzzes again. It is Mick. ‘Hello, Alice. Are you with Priscilla?’

No, I am not.’

Do you know where she is?’

I think before I answer. ‘I might. If you get us I can help you!’

It becomes quiet on the other end.

Okay. Are you still at Leo's?’


Wait there. I will be there soon.’

He hangs up. ‘I just got us a ride.’

I look at Lynn who smiles happily. ‘Of course, you do know Mick is going to kill Nate, right?’

I am trying not to think about that.’

We walk back to Leo’s house. It looks like shit. But Leo has money and he will get it fixed. I am more concerned about his neighbour. In the middle of Lynn’s speech about brain cells and gynaecology, a car pulls up to the curb.

It is Mick and he does not look happy. ‘Where is she? Is she with Nate?’

She asked if we could come get her,’ I reply.

That’s why Nate left in such a hurry! He must have…’

Mick looks angry. He stops talking when he gazes on Leo’s house. ‘What the hell happened here?’ It looks like a nuclear bomb hit the place!’

I think Leo tried to fix the plumbing by himself!’ He shouldn’t have …obviously.’

Mick looks at me in disbelief.

His mind is back on track. Priscilla! This is the longest drive of my life. Mick is going fast and has an evil stare on his face. Icy roads and temporary insanity is not a good combination. Lynn looks as if she is going to be sick. I try to text Priscilla to let her know what is going on, but I am too scared. Finally, we pull up to a modern, posh building. Mick parks right there on the sidewalk. Lynn gets out of the car and pukes heavily. Mick gets her bottle of water. ‘Let’s go.’

This is not good. Mick reminds me of the father in ‘The Shining’. I try to keep up with him, but I am still a bit partied out. I trip on a loose tile on the sidewalk. I hit the ground hard. Lynn helps me to my feet.

We chase after Mick. I have bloody palms and a limp. Lynn got puke on her shoes and cannot walk straight.

We enter the building, but the lobby is empty. Mick must have already caught an elevator.

I text Priscilla. What apartment are you in? Mick is on his way and he is not happy!

Priscilla replies, Apartment 18B 11th floor. And OMG!

I frantically press the button to the elevator. It is the longest 30 seconds of my life. I can picture it all in my mind. A murder scene. A showdown between two best friends over a sister. One goes to prison and the other to an asylum and it is entirely my fault. I can see the headlines clearly. ‘Walking Disaster guilty of drama between friends.’

The elevator dings and I snap out of it.

Lynn and I get into the elevator. I hate the kind of music that is played in elevators. I can think of more constructive ways to make my ears bleed. The elevator stops at the 11th floor and all we have to do is follow the noise. The door to apartment 18B is wide open and I can hear Mick yelling.

Lynn and I enter. Wow, the apartment is stunning.

I can almost hear my mother;

A completely renovated building constructed in 1850. The apartment opens to a large living room with fireplace in Carrara marble. The décor is a mix of styles blending Italian antiques with contemporary furniture from Northern Europe and Turkish rugs, all energized by original fine artwork and high-tech accessories.

I come back to reality when Priscilla's voice enters my ears. ‘Mick …nothing happened! Nate and I just talked all night, it was so romantic.’

Mick is standing over Nate who is sitting paralysed in a chair. All he seems to be able to say is ‘She is my sister!’

His face is red. I miss Fiona, she would be able to pull Mick away without even blinking.

Look, Mick, maybe Nate really likes her! It is entirely my fault; if I had not gotten ridiculously drunk and trashed Leo’s house, Priscilla never would have left.’

Mick's face turns all white. ‘You did that, Alice?’ He begins to chuckle.

I’m nodding. It is not really true. I might have gotten the fire alarm going but I didn’t flood the basement.

He begins to laugh aloud and we all sort of join in. Nate looks relieved. ‘You really are a walking disaster, Alice!’

That’s me, Alice the jokester.

I turn around and walk out of the apartment. I am taken down by elevator and out into the fresh air. I begin walking toward the train station. It begins to rain pretty heavily but I don’t care. I just want to go home. I reach the train platform and my phone is buzzing. I switch it off. I just stand there. Even the weather thinks that I’m a joke.

I don’t get a ticket, I just board the train. Only thirty minutes and I will be home. It has been a crazy party. Maybe I should try and change my ways a little bit.

Maybe I could begin at the gym. I have a headache. Suddenly, someone I haven’t seen in years appears … Roy!

Hey Alice, you don’t look so hot!’ I don’t answer.

You want me to help you home?’ I nod.

Roy is so sweet and caring. He takes me by the hand as the train stops. He walks me home and tucks me into the bed. ‘Thank you, Roy’ I mumble. and then I go to sleep.

There is only one problem. No one has ever met Roy because they claim that they cannot see him.

It is January 3 and I have to go to work, but I call in sick. Roy is still here. My phone has been shut down ever since the incident at Nate’s. The text messages and the unanswered calls are pouring in. People are concerned. I’ve decided to stop drinking entirely and I going back to the gym.

Someone is hammering at the door. Someone is very persistent to speak to me.

I walk past Roy. He remarks that I need a shower. I nod. I open the door. My posse is staring back at me. Apparently, they thought I was dead. Nope, I am still alive.

Someone makes tea. I feel spaced out as I answer their questions. I’ve just been ill, that is why my cell phone has been shut off and no, I am not mad at anyone.

I don’t mention Roy. I tell them that I have decided to quit drinking and I want to be a more frequent visitor at the gym. The atmosphere switches from tense to ecstatic. Fiona explains how green smoothies are filled with vitamins and asks if I have a blender. I do.

I hand Fiona some money and she runs off to the supermarket to do some groceries. She comes back with fresh fruit and vegetables. She makes enough green stuff to go around. It tastes alright.

I tell the posse that I am tired and need to rest. My spirit has lifted a little bit and I take a shower and open the computer. Next yoga class at the gym is tomorrow at two o’clock so I decide to blow off work one more day and reserve my spot at the yoga class. I ignore Roy and I go back to sleep.

I wake up the next day feeling more refreshed. I put on my horror of a gym outfit and step out into the real world. I had a green smoothie for breakfast.

Roy does not say anything. He just smiles at me.

I stop in front of the gym building. It looks like it is mocking me, like it only welcomes the beautiful people. To hell with it. I step inside. The place is quiet except for the pop music streaming out from the speakers. I sort of just stand there sinking in the atmosphere.

I go to the training hall and meet up with Fiona. Then I undertake the hardest workout ever.

I sit for a while just right there on the mat. My body aches but it is a good ache.

I get up and stagger out into the open gym. I say goodbye to Fiona who’s preparing for her next class.

I walk around doing high knee lifting. I stumble over a hand weight lying right on the floor, I fall, and I get ready to kiss the floor. Then out of the blue, a hand grabs me pulling me up, preventing my close encounter. ‘Thank you, I…’ is all I manage to say when I look into the most stunning blue eyes I have ever seen. Joe Manganiello is smiling at me.

You have really bad luck with hand weights, don’t you?’

Yeah, I am a walking disaster!’ I retort.

He laughs, and I melt. ‘You should have seen me the first time I visited a gym.

It was like watching an elephant make it out of a glass shop trying not to break anything.’

I got nothing. I just stand there totally star struck.

Then it feels like something gives me nudge. ‘I’m Alice!’ I reach out my hand.

Nice to meet you, Alice. I am Mason.’ We shake hands.

The angel’s name is Mason. I am about to open my mouth to ask if gods eat human food when a tall brunette enters. She puts her arms around Mason and kisses him gently on the cheek. ‘You promised you would help me on the bench press, Mason!’

Mason smiles that heartbreak smile and I cannot move.

It was very nice to meet you, Alice. Hopefully, I will see you around.’ I nod and stand there looking like an idiot for about 30 seconds while I try to figure out how my legs are working. They seem to have melted into the ground.

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