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I was a Whore at Four:

The Redemptive Story of a Child Sex Slave

A Therapeutic Autobiography

By Pamela Elaine Lockridge

I Was a Whore at Four
Pamela Elaine Lockridge
Published by Around the Loop Designs at Smashwords
Copyright 2018 Pamela Elaine Lockridge

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents



Acknowledgements

Dedication

Disclaimer

Foreword

Foreword 2

Book reviews

Preface

Prologue

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Bible reading plan

Chapter 10

Epilogue

Recommendations

About the author

Author’s credentials

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I give my utmost thanks to all persons that have meant so much to me, on my journey of writing my autobiography. First and preeminently, I would like to exalt my Father in heaven and tell Him how grateful I am to Him and His Son for helping me; whenever I asked for His wisdom and guidance about the most proper way to lay out my thoughts on paper. I am most thankful that He made Himself real to me, and adopted me as a child of the King. I could not ask for a better family than my eternal one. Next, I would like to thank my covenant husband, who has stuck by me since the day we met; with the patience and agape love that only God Almighty could have given him. He watched over me mercifully and graciously; as I took center stage most of our married life—because of my past child sex slavery. I cannot thank him enough, knowing that many times his emotional needs took second place to mine. He took it like a trooper, and was an anchor that kept me from drowning in a sea of despair. I also thank him for helping me to come to know the Lord, through his prayers for me. I want to thank my children for the mercy, forgiveness, and graciousness they extended to me; when I was at my lowest point, and least deserving of it.

Next, I thank my dearest immediate family member (a sibling), who stuck by me as best they could, given the fact that they were also damaged mentally; indirectly by the child sexual abuse I suffered. I thank my maternal grandma; for her prayers as well as the care, kindness and love she bestowed upon me. I thank my medical and mental health professionals for their great care and concern for my well-being; as I traversed the long path that led me to a better quality of life. I would like to thank my best friend, who because of her similar emotional and sexual abuse remained a strong and steadfast companion to me; during the litigation period. I would like to thank my publisher and illustrator for her hard work, and understanding of the seriousness of getting this book into the hands of child sex abuse victims. Subsequently, I would like to thank my lead attorney, his partner, and his paralegal; without which I would not have received the closure I needed to write this book. I am so blessed to have had them on my side. I cannot say enough about the Godly wisdom and compassion these individuals had for me every step of the way; during five years of litigation with the person who sexually abused me during my formative years—up to the age of majority. Finally, I thank every person in the judicial system, that had anything to do with giving me continued hope, during five years of litigation—when it came to my dire need—of humanitarian justice.



DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all those adults around the globe who have been victims of child sex slavery Also, to the current victims of child sex slavery, my prayer is that God bring healing and wholeness. I hope and pray that all victims find complete freedom, no matter their age or location in the world. May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you His peace.



DISCLAIMER

Firstly, none of the information within this book is to be taken lightly. Many, both formerly and currently, are suffering from the horrendous effects of child sexual slavery/ abuse. Secondly, no victim of child sex slavery/ abuse should attempt to follow the format highlighted within the book— without the help and supervision of a licensed counselor—who may recommend a psychiatrist if they feel there is a need. The therapeutic framework within this book can be used by individuals for their own personal journaling as guided by their licensed professional; to begin to the healing process that will bring relief from answers found concerning their abuse. The content within this book is provided for general information only, and should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor, therapist or any other health care professional. Thirdly, the author of this book is not responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by anyone, based on the content of this book. Always consult your own general or special practitioners, if you are in anyway concerned about your mental health. Seek emergency help immediately by calling 911 or any first responder, if you find you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others. Keep emergency numbers located where they can be reached immediately.





FOREWORD

Children often suffer the effects of childhood sexual abuse well into adulthood. Some have protective people in their lives, but many do not. And suffer in silence for many years. It is an absolute blessing when an adult victim of child sexual abuse, finds their way to freedom; from the chains of past childhood sexual trauma—through faith in Christ. As a Christian, the author shows, how she was able to embrace a newfound innocence of living in the present. This book inspires hope for all adult victims of child sexual slavery/ abuse; who must find their own unique pathway to absolute healing. Holistic mental wellness for these victims is only made possible, through a persistent personal willingness to fight for closure to their past; that distinctively leads them to complete wholeness. As well as finding the ultimate purpose for life, by faithfully living in God’s amazing grace.

Leesa Sitter, LCSW, DCSW

January 1, 2018



FOREWORD

Currently, there is very limited means for victims of child sex slavery/ abuse, to have a voice within the home or society as a whole. Therefore, this horrendous treatment of innocent children must be handled in a way that is win-win—not only for the victims—but for the abusers as well. I believe, in this book, I have put forth ingenious solutions, through the wisdom of God, for those who struggle with sexual predatory addictions; who have absolutely no means or probability of—receiving any therapeutic treatment—for eradicating their sexually aberrant behavior and beliefs concerning children. Additionally, I posit that proactive results must be sought out; in order to keep children from becoming another statistic of sexual trauma. I proffer that effective treatment for sexual addicts/ predators (who hold the aberrant cognitive machinations that it is the norm within American society to have sex with children), must be highly considered as doable. For if Americans (with hearts full of hatefulness and condemnation towards these mentally ill individuals) continually refuse to hold out hope and mercy to them; eventually they will lose all possibility for this population of society, to be delimited. Furthermore, I propose that if swift action is not taken, these mentally ill individuals (sooner rather than later) will become so vast in number, that most of Americas’ children will one day become—adult victims of child sex slavery/ abuse. Finally, I ask academia, licensed professionals, and players within the judicial system, to unite around this distressing quandary, and muster the bravery it will surely take, to step up to the proverbial plate—in order to work progressively and successfully to permanently purge society of this distasteful reality—for if this gross violation of our children is allowed to persist unabated, the fabric of American society will eventually unravel past the point of no return.

Pamela Elaine Lockridge, Interim President of Jesus Lifted Ministries, ADN,

AACJ, MSW, Masters Candidate in Homeland Security

January 1, 2018



BOOK REVIEWS

I would describe this book as a fascinating account of how a suffering survivor shares the agony of losing their sexual innocence as a child. The author appears to sincerely propose, that the traumatic theft of her sexual innocence as a child, qualifies her to help other adult victims overcome the same mental degradation she suffered while in captivity. In addition, she posits that any adult victim, who has survived the atrocities of child sexual assault, can definitively receive awe-inspiring freedom and healing. This book most importantly, gives voice to all adults who were forced into a silent hell of childhood sexual slavery/ abuse. It also reveals, how the One who knows what is best for these victims, longs to show that He is their ultimate Healer.

Furthermore, the author explains that the combination of her approach for fully alleviating the traumatic damage caused by child sex slavery, when paired with magnificent faith, will absolutely bring holistic solace these victims so badly need. The author reveals a comprehensive, therapeutic, and systematic approach for bringing adult victims of child sex slavery/ abuse, the utmost expectation for closure and healing imaginable. I believe her discovery of a therapy for victims of child sex abuse has great potential and is astounding on so many levels. She shows how it worked for her on her path to full closure to her past. She also shares how closure gave tremendous meaning, which she shows greatly empowered her to continue on life’s purposeful journey. I propose that any adult victim in need of this kind of help, who chooses to work with a licensed mental health professional who utilizes this therapy, will definitely find it as a tool for help. I am so ashamed to say that America is silent on this awful subject; making it too taboo to even talk about. Therefore, I am so pleased the author gives all credit to her Creator for the wisdom and courage He gave her—to even dare broach the complex and highly sensitive subject of child sexual slavery/ abuse.

Lindsay Miller, MSN, MBA, RN





The author shares her journey, which details her intense and sensitive experience of ritualistic child sexual abuse—so all can see that American society is covertly rotting from within. Silence, which allows for predators to keep this pandemic, growing exponentially, must be broken at every system level. The real and visceral information within these pages, catapults the reader into the mind of a child, who was made to live as a whore for fourteen years. However, the author brilliantly shows how a tragic beginning, does not always mean permanent loss.

Queen Mason, BS in Business Administration, Manager of Psychiatric Office,
Former Medical Office Manager, Editor





I am highly impressed by the content of this book and the way the author lays out the phases of her life. And all readers can see how she finally recovered from her awful past of being used as a child for sex. As a victim of child sex slavery/ abuse, she has become a strong advocate and voice for victims who have suffered as she did. She shows that multidisciplinary teams of professionals must emphatically address the aberrant actions of child predation by creating doable, therapeutic programs through the process of bringing the most brilliant minds together; to help child sex addicts alleviate horrific thought patterns they believe are the norm; concerning children as sex objects for their repeated gratification.

I am pleased that she utilized her education to create a therapeutic method of treating adult victims of child abuse. I like the way she connects her novel therapy GSPNT with the word of God—as she faced her trials and struggles—all the way through the comprehensive pathway that brought her full closure and healing from her past. Furthermore, I am excited about the concern and thought she has put into finding, not only ways to help adult victims of child sexual slavery/ abuse, but rehabilitation pathways for child predators to receive hope and help as well. As an author of a devotional book entitled, Rebuilding the Wall of Agape Love in 52 Days, I clearly see that the agape love of God has been shed in the heart of the author—as she shares a remarkable care and concern for others who have suffered like her. I see in the pages that she realized she had to forgive her abuser; as Christ forgave those who shed His blood on a cross by speaking words of forgiveness towards His enemies. She shares the wonder of becoming a new creation in Christ, whereby she lives a life of freedom and wholeness by holding out the same forgiveness to her abuser as Christ held out to her—as she prays for his salvation and freedom from sin. She truly understands God’s agape love and shows it with through her writing.

Sadie Bolton Sawyer, BA in Elementary Education, Author, Pastor





Ritualistic child sexual abuse starting at the age of four is horrific. It is further heinous, when the trauma continues until the age of majority; when the child eventually reaches a stage of development, where they can finally get free from their perpetrator. Academia offers research, when it comes to helping adults heal, from these past tragic events. However, there is a paucity of research, when it comes to helping adult perpetrators; who are in need of retraining their inerrant thinking about children as sexual objects.

Twenty-first century research shows that the physical brain is connected to the individuals inner self, thereby, affording great probability for advances in working with this rejected and ignored population of mentally ill individuals (http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/display/librarydisplay.cgi?lid=296). The author exposes a dissonance between the criminal justice system and mental health professionals; who she believes should work together to provide lasting deterrent treatment for these individuals. I believe she is correct in her belief, that if these child sex predators are released back into society—without being court mandated into treatment—they will leave incarceration with the same aberrant bent toward children as their prey.

Dr. Jay Hedgpeth, LCSW, Professor of Social Work



PREFACE

This book came out of the connection between my fourteen years as a child sex slave, and my subsequent educational prowess. It is a story of my struggle to find my life’s meaning; during and after my life as a child sex slave. My mother, who never wanted me, actually allowed her second husband Pedo (which is short for pedophile); to use me for his sexual needs; whereby I became her pimped out child whore. She wanted freedom to live her life the way she wanted; without the restraints of marriage. She lived her life as if she was single, working as a barmaid every night of the week except Sundays. Sundays she partied with Pedo’s sister. How and when I learned that she had pimped me out as Pedo’s whore, is revealed in greater detail later in the book. Also, my mother told me that if abortion would have been legal when she was pregnant with me, she would have aborted me. My mother was the most unfeeling and uncaring women I had ever met. But that did not keep me from loving her dearly; for I learned in my social work classes that most victims love their abusers. I know that someone may have their own opinions and believe that a child of four cannot be a whore; because a whore they believe is defined as a willing participant. However, in my story that is absolutely false and I have learned that there are young boys and girls who are being pimped out against their wills as whores every day, by family members and non-family members; who sell them as child sex slaves.

I began writing this book approximately five years before I entered into five years of civil litigation with Pedo. I shelved what I had written initially; until I realized I had a complete story to tell—that could benefit others. My story became complete the day five years of legal litigation with my sexual predator came to its final conclusion; whereby I was vindicated and a mutual agreement was reached. I know some may ask why I did not take my case before a jury. I actually wanted it to go to a jury, but it was not the path that God led me down. I was advised by my attorney, that it may not go before a jury if Pedo was allowed to file bankruptcy. I listened to the sound advice of my attorney not to go to court; as he believed that taking it before a jury was a gamble. I was not willing to gamble at this point. I was totally ready for closure; so I could get on with my life. It was so surreal when the original judge (who decided I had a case against Pedo) actually apologized to me from the bench. He let me know he believed that I was not making up the allegations. His actions showed me that he did not believe I was crazy; like Pedo and his family wanted the world to think. The affirmation I felt, was amazing!!

I believe that victims of child sex abuse, who read this book, will find their own path to healing that comes through complete vindication and acceptance by society; possibly to the same degree I received them. I believe the first thing victims must do is find a good attorney—preferably one that prays and seeks the wisdom and guidance of the Lord. The attorney the victim chooses must be trustworthy; so the victim feels totally comfortable to share their most delicate and secretive information. The lawyer must be competent in personal injury cases involving sexual abuse; so they can bring redress for the adult of child sexual slavery/ abuse. A good and caring lawyer will appropriately guide the victim as to what to do and what not to do, during the case. For instance, I wanted to take Pedo’s continued abusive actions against me to the public, but my attorney assured me that it would only hurt the case. I had to bite the bullet several times and do what my attorney told me to do. It was not easy, but the staff of the lead attorney was fantastic. The lead attorney had three amazing women who I could not have made it through the litigation without; his secretary, his partner and his paralegal.

I interfaced with the paralegal about ninety percent of the time during the litigation. She was precious and so faithful to be there for me, every time I called the office. She guided me during the whole process of litigation; from beginning to end. I felt such relief and validation over and over again; when the legal team went out of their way to understand about child sex abuse. They attended functions to educate themselves about my life as a child sex slave. They attended a specific event where a prominent adult spoke about being ritualistically molested—by her biological father. Yuck!! You can read her story as well; for she was Miss America 1958. My legal team was a Godsend; working tirelessly to get me justice. I give God all the glory for putting them in my life at just the right time. I am so thankful for the grace of God; that kept me on course to see Him work out the best possible scenario for my life. The bible says that everything is beautiful in His time, and that we can trust His direction— as we lean, not on our own understanding, but in all our ways acknowledge Him. (1) Can you believe that the God of the universe cares to guide you and me through life; and be there for us no matter what we face?

Finally, and most importantly, I learned along my journey to believe in the powerful words of the Holy Bible. God’s Word brings His comfort through all our troubles; so that we can comfort those in like trouble; with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2) Because bad things happen to good people, due to the rebellion and sin against God by Adam in the garden, I must tell the world what happened to me. I am hoping my story, will open up a global dialogue; giving every adult victim of child sex slavery a voice that resonates around the world—both clearly and accurately. I truly believe that full closure is possible for adult victims of child sex slavery/ abuse, through appropriate therapy. I found that closure for me, as a victim of child sex slavery/ abuse, came through consistent psychological therapy. For, specific therapy and perseverance, eventually brought with it wonderful joy and meaning to my life. I believe this can be true for all who have been sold into child sex slavery; as whores for money and favors. I believe what God did for me; He will certainly do for others who choose to put their faith in Him. I must proclaim, that because I have lived it firsthand, there is definitely wholeness and help available from a loving God; Who is waiting to be invited in— to bring the most important and exciting news of all, the news of His healing power. His loving comfort brings complete healing through salvation and grace—which is available to all—including survivors of child sexual slavery. (3)

Endnotes:

  1. Proverbs 3: 6

  2. 2 Corinthians 1:4-11

  3. 2 Corinthians 1:3

PROLOGUE

Saved. Sanctified. Redeemed. These are special words that have a glorious meaning in my life now. At the telling of my story, I am sixty years old. I was born in 1957. I was born again spiritually and adopted by my heavenly Father in 1987.What I mean by born again, is the experience I had, whereby, I came to know that Jesus was absolutely alive and real. It is when I came to realize, that I could relate to Him and His loving Father personally—through reading His word and prayer. I share my story of how He came into my life. My story is the testimony of my salvation; and what the Bible refers to in the book of Revelation when it mentions how the saints will overcome. (1) The bible says the believers will overcome by the word of their testimony and the blood of the Lamb (Jesus sacrificial offering of Himself on the cross for our sins). What will believers overcome? Through faith in Christ, they will overcome the sting of spiritual death for all eternity. Furthermore, believers will overcome because Christ left the Holy Spirit, to comfort and empower the believer to live as Christ lived. This will make more sense, as you follow my story and learn how I went from living a life of shame and worthlessness, to one of divine bliss. I also share about the abundant life I now live, whereby, I have been cleansed white as snow and redeemed through the precious blood shed for me on the cross by my Savior. I hear you asking how this is possible—so in order to find out—you must read on.

Redemption for me and others is my main goal for writing this book. I pray that many adult victims of child sex slavery find salvation and sanctification through God’s eternal plan to save all mankind. For God does not wish that any man perish spiritually; but that all come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. (2) You may wonder what will happen to a person who ignores salvation. Persons who reject God’s plan of salvation are condemned to everlasting punishment, because their sins are not forgiven. (3) Therefore, I am not ashamed to proclaim the gospel of Christ; for it is God’s power of salvation to everyone who believes on Him. (4) I am proclaiming to all individuals that they are not alone, even when they feel alone. For there is a God in heaven, Who truly cares for all His creation; especially at the darkest point in their lives. I would not be sane and free from being institutionalized as a blithering idiot, if it were not for His grace, mercy, salvation and agape love; that unlocked the dark cage, (that kept me believing I would always be seen as a child whore), into His wonderful light. (5) I implore you to ask Jesus if He is real, as I did. He is longing for you to open your heart and life to Him. He is waiting to wash away all of your sins; as soon as you come humbly before Him asking for forgiveness. Then you can begin to live life as a spiritual person—who can enter into a loving relationship with a spiritual God for all eternity.

Also, I wish to give voice and insight to those adult victims who have suffered child sexual abuse. Jesus said that people will reap what they sow. (6) Jesus also proclaimed that believers should have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. (7) Subsequently, God says in His Word, that believers should have no fear of those who perpetrate evil. And there is nothing covered or hidden, that He will not eventually reveal. (8) I truly believe God had a plan to uncover what Pedo did to me as a child, by providing a way to take him to civil court; in order to bring redemption and closure in my life. However, God especially wanted to show forth His glory by way of the civil case; and He surely did! God showed forth His mercy to Pedo, His wisdom through the attorneys and paralegal, and His provision for my complete healing.

The following chapters lay out my journey as a child sex slave, from beginning to closure; and beyond. I show how immediately after closure, I embarked on a fast-track to healing; that fully highlighted the purpose that Jesus brought me to this earth. In some parts of the book it is laid out in a question and answer format. Periodically proffer questions and answer them—with the wisdom I have gleaned over my life span so far. It is my hope that that through this question and answer journey, quality answers will be found to bring the utmost mental restoration; not only for myself, but for other victims of child sex slavery/ abuse as well.

In addition, I relay my account of how the stages of death and dying are a framework for working through my child sexual abuse. I share how I utilize the stages of death and dying, to represent the loss of my sexual innocence at the age of four to eighteen. I had to pass through all the stages I write about in the book; in order to receive full closure to my past as a child sex slave. These stages piece together my experience during my childhood sexual slavery, providing a concise narrative of healing; using memories from my childhood, young adulthood, and beyond. I needed to take a serious look back; in order to deal with my horrendous past, until I was whole again. However, in order to reach wholeness, I realized I had to face the loss of my sexual innocence with all the effort and honesty I could muster. I describe thoroughly how the process unfolds throughout the book.

Having no foundational framework I could follow, to safely reveal my atrocious story in a healthy manner, proved to be a problem. And this problem kept me quiet about my child sexual abuse for many years. I believe this same problem keeps others adult victims of child sexual abuse quiet as well. I never attempted to revisit my child sexual abuse; until I learned that a woman named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross proposed stages (based on stage theory) that would be encountered by persons who were facing loss of life. (9) As I studied these stages of grief, I realized they were clearly explaining the stages I went through; as I encountered the death of my sexual innocence at the hands of Pedo. The Kubler-Ross stages brought so much insight for describing all the raw and powerful emotions I felt. And highlighted the shocking facts surrounding what I encountered as a child sex slave during significant junctures along my journey to closure and beyond.

Because of the knowledge I obtained while earning my masters’ in social work, I began to understand how the stages of grief explained the emotional roller-coaster ride that loss provides. However, the Kubler-Ross proposed stages of grief did not prove comprehensive for covering my whole journey. I realized I had additional stages I passed through on my healing journey. These stages are striving, thriving, and closure. The Kubler-Ross stages were originally designed for individuals, who are grieving the loss of their own or another’s life. I have utilized the stages to describe the loss of my childhood sexual innocence. I believe God is leading me to utilize the Kubler-Ross stages, along with my own added stages, to bring me full understanding of all that I suffered at the hands of Pedo, and why.

I utilized the aforementioned grief stages, as a foundational basis for confidently beginning to seriously explore my childhood and adult feelings, concerning my past childhood sexual abuse. I followed the stages in the order they were originally laid out by Kubler-Ross. And working at my own pace, I dealt with the child abuse in a segmented manner. In the grief stages, I finally found a safe and effective vehicle that I could use as a basic platform of logic; for explaining what I had endured as a child whore. For how does a child, who has no abstract thinking skills, begin to make sense of their world of sexual abuse? The stages of death and dying, along with the other stages I put forth in this book—depicts a framework that will aid me to negotiate and delineate each stage I traversed; in order to receive full mental recovery.

Because I was made to live my life as a whore from such a tender age, I had a deep yearning and void in my heart that only God could fill. It was not until very late in life, that I discovered my true life goal of receiving closure to my past as a child whore. I did not realize that repression was not a permanent fix. I had no way of knowing that I would eventually have to revisit my entire past child sexual abuse. But God knew that I would have to face the truth of my former life. And He graciously saw me through it all. (10) When He let me know it was time for me to walk out His plan for me, I began to see greater possibilities for me to reach my goals and dream again. This is where intrinsic hope and joy met, allowing me to overcome whatever obstacles lie ahead for me. This is when I came to know that closure to my past, was definitely in my future. How awesome was it to actually get to this place? Read on and you will find out. I can attest that closure is absolutely possible, but it took my willingness and personal determination to get there.

I am not suggesting that life after closure will be all sunshine and roses, for there will always be ongoing struggle with current life issues. But when an individual works through their past, they are stronger and more empowered to face current and future obstacles with clarity, maturity, and courage. Closure takes the damaged person to the “wholeness” chapter of their life; where they can finally find themselves walking in abundant life. Such as the gracious life I now live, walking with Him. (11) I am living proof that it is possible to see the fragmented life of a child whore, inevitably be turned into a wonderful life. Does this mean that this journey is available as a possibility for others of child sexual abuse? I believe so. And the word of God says nothing is impossible with God. (12) Do I believe that God has the same healing, wholeness, and full cleansing from all the filthy past for other victims of child sex slavery/ abuse as well? Absolutely. And the reason I believe this is because God sent His Son, Whom He loved so much, to die for all mankind. If Christ is willing to pay such a significant price to redeem us, why would He withhold anything that is meant for our good? He tells us in His Word that if earthly men know how to give good gifts to their sons, how much more does our heavenly Father want to give us good things. (13) And I have since decided that I can make it through any trial or storm, with my Father and Jesus by my side.

Endnotes:

  1. Revelation 12: 7-17

  2. John 3 : 16

  3. John 3: 17, 18

  4. Romans 1: 6

  5. 1 Peter 2: 9

  6. Galatians 6: 7, 8

  7. Ephesians 5: 11

  8. Luke 8: 17

  9. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross

  10. 2 Corinthians 12: 9

  11. John 10: 10

  12. Matthew 19: 26

  13. Matthew 7: 11









INTRODUCTION

I wrote this book because I know I am not alone when it comes to the trauma I faced, as a child sex slave, throughout my childhood. I believe many adult victims of child sex slavery could never navigate a sufficient therapeutic trajectory alone—allowing them to find the quality relief, vindication, and closure they desperately need for resolving their past trauma. I think this book definitively offers a therapeutic solution for adult victims of ritualistic child sex slavery/ abuse. I further believe that in these pages resides hope for healing the past trauma that victims live with every day— in a rational, precise, and informative manner. It will give victims a voice and calm the fears, of many individuals who have suffered at the hands of sexual predators. This book provides a pre-arranged path, to wholeness and healing that makes perfect sense; by giving victims not only secular understanding, but spiritual understanding as well. When I came to know that I had a heavenly Father Who loved me, my understanding was opened spiritually, to show me why He was not able to do anything—to prevent or take me out of—the horrific situation in which Pedo and my mother had me locked. Writing this book has not been easy for me, however, I feel its content is both necessary and essential for me and others, to find peace and harmony within. Therefore, I will rely on my education to guide me part way, and My Savior to bring it all home, while on my path to true healing and closure. I seek closure by faith in a loving Father, through His word. I am staying close to Him, as I write this book, for the bible tells me to draw near to God and He will draw near to me. (1)

There are many twists and turns of life that I traversed, while seeking the level of mental health I enjoy today. And without a doubt there was something working supernaturally in my life. Someone, who I now know was God, was consistently challenging me to long for answers to the many questions I had about my life as a child sex slave. Within these pages, you will come to know some of what I endured in Pedo’s POW camp during my formative and young adult years, and beyond. The level of dysfunction in my family, on a scale of one to ten, was far beyond ten. Also, I had no real idea of what normal life consisted of; for most of my life. And since I had no sense of reality concerning the normal world, hope was elusive. Hope was not on my radar, since there was no place for it within in my dysfunctional life. Humanity was extremely cruel to me. And since I had no way to escape its awful grip, I assumed there was no other path. Therefore, I relinquished all my rights to hope.

So without hope of a future, how did I stay alive and make it through? At such a young age, what are the proper procedures for child whores to find their way out of the child sex slave maze? What happens to a child sex victim at such an early age, when they have lost all hope and do not believe they can go on? As such a hurt and broken child, why did I choose to live in the face of such disillusion? The reason that stands out is not just a cliché, but a truth that challenges victims to become stronger; not tear them down. For the fluidity of life itself, is often the very foundation that helps victims harness strength, in the midst of tremendous amounts of pain. It is immensely important, that when an individual faces any size drawback in life, they must take into account the fluidity of life. Because life can be seen on a continuum of bad and good (circumstances, emotions, mental health, etc.), there is reason to believe optimistic change or valuable transformation can occur at any time. However, there is no allowance for optimism or a positive transformative future, when individuals decide to end their life. I know individuals may entertain this option, but for some reason I never did.

I believe the bedrock of hope is found in the fact that life is fluid, and no one can tell what the next moment of life holds for them. Therefore, for this reason, I was able to hold on to life, because of my positive thinking; that life could possibly turn around any second for me. Although life can be quite tough, it is the surprises and challenges that life consists of on a moment by moment basis that makes it worth living. I now understand how someone who believes all life is based a continuum of good and bad, can possibly give up on life; when they feel all of humanity has let them down over and over again—causing them to believe the bad in their life will always outweigh the good. This is where a person can get stuck; believing that their life will never change for good, and consequently, lose all optimism for a productive future. However, this is where traumatized individuals must find the courage within, to see the bad as a stepping stone to greatness. This is where broken individuals must seek out support systems, rather than turn their pain inward. For when victims delay seeking out some support system among their immediate/ extended family or through friends/ community—especially in the midst of their greatest pain and suffering—life becomes terribly fragile. The longer the adult victims of child sexual slavery/ abuse deny their need for professional intervention, the more intractable their belief, that they have reached the point of hopelessness; from which they assume there is absolutely no return.

But how does a child come to comprehend this? I believe that prior to a child’s ability to accurately reason, their resilience is instinctual. This is why I believe children do not lose hope, because they do not even understand what it is to have hope. But when individuals learn to reason, they must seek out others that are able to give support so they can remain hopeful. Hindsight, I see the amount of resilience that I had as a child, during my years in Pedo’s POW camp. It proved true in my childhood, that I instinctively had a tremendous amount of faith and trust in adults. Although I hated what Pedo was doing to me, I needed him for the basic necessities of life. Therefore, I was compelled to trust Pedo, even during my habitual child sexual abuse. However, as I look back, I can see supportive people in my life. I believe God put those people in my life, so I could overcome all obstacles; in order to help me maintain a desire to survive. I imagine there are adults of child sexual abuse from around the world and all walks of life, who may believe there is no help for this painful past; and are ready to give up. I write this book for victims of child sex abuse; to encourage them to find healing from the past, which is ultimately found in the name of Jesus.

Hindsight, I absolutely love the story of Joseph in the bible. His brothers sold him into slavery and although he became a prisoner in a foreign land; he never gave up on the faith he had in his Creator. (2) He never lost faith that God had a good and meaningful purpose for giving him life. He kept his faith in God no matter the troubles and dilemmas he faced. He placed his wholehearted trust in God, to bring something good out of the evil he had endured. (3) Although it was quite a long time, Joseph finally laid hold of God’s ultimate essence of his life. He finally reached the pinnacle of his life, as he followed the plans and ways of His God. (4) I believe the reason it took so long for Joseph to realize his dreams, was because he had to fully understand, that God never changes. He had to know the God always remains faithful; even when we go through the worst of circumstances. God brought Joseph to a place where he could depend on no one except God. God had to isolate Joseph from the world, with all its distractions and temptations, so Joseph could come to know and trust God. God not only needed to renew Joseph’s mind from worldly thought patterns, but kept Joseph constrained for the amount of time it would take for him to know His God in a wonderfully intimate way. The goodness of God not only kept him, but brought him through his horrible ordeal; to shine like the noon day sun—reflecting the grace and mercy of God. I can certainly relate.

Joseph stayed the course and humbled himself to the point of being able to learn the lessons God was teaching him. And become the man in charge of saving many in a time of famine.(5) Joseph had a choice, as we all do during times of struggle. God implores us to wait patiently, while growing in His mercy and grace, so He can teach us the reason behind our unfair suffering. Joseph knew God and trusted Him fully and wholeheartedly. Therefore, because he knew that God had his best interests at heart, he vowed to fulfill the wonderful destiny God had called him to accomplish. He believed that God would sustain him through all his trials and strengthen his faith. Hindsight, I see how God’s protection for me was also present; even before I was born. (6) He has led me to a place of great love and respect for His plan for my life. (7) I know that His supernatural plan for my life has caused me to be able to understand the scriptures—that are given to any man or woman—who is willing to become humble enough to learn His ways.

God has a plan to redeem man from the fall of the first Adam, who sinned against God in the Garden of Eden (causing man and the earth to fall into a cycle of life and death). Adam had to leave the Garden of Eden when he sinned, because of its perpetual life. Because of the fall, mankind doubts God and their need for Him as their Creator. Mankind, who rejects God, has become so hard-hearted, and unteachable. And hold on to their pride; just like God’s enemy. Only the grace of God through prayer opens a person’s eyes to their rebellion against the Creator. How silly it is for creation to question God? Why does man believe they are wiser than the One who created them from dust? The bible predicts that in the last days, unbelievers will be quite narcissistic and evil. (8)

I invite you to go with me through my life-long narrative, to become familiar with my healing trajectory. On my path that led me to complete healing, I worked hard to obtain knowledge and wisdom (concerning my life as a child whore from the age of four through eighteen). My narrative portrays my burdensome longing and search for love and acceptance, to receive closure to my past; and help me find a satisfactory life. The journey is a profound one; filled with many ups, downs and miraculous intervention at times. Let us venture together and seek out tangible and intangible lessons of redemption that can be learned from my early and later life. Lifelong learning is an anchor for the soul. And can bring hope where there is no hope. However, you will see my only real hope was found when I learned to live loved by my heavenly Father; which made all the difference for me. I learned from His perspective, that He created me to worship and adore Him before all others. He has showed Himself faithful over and over again on my behalf. He is the true and living God. And there is no one besides Him, Who knows my every need and desire.

I believe my strong thirst for knowledge, concerning my secret life as a child sex slave, was a significant factor; that kept me from going insane or harming myself. I had a morbid curiosity about what I was experiencing at the hands of Pedo; who repeatedly invaded my whole being. I wondered what everybody would think, if they knew about the sexual predation—as I yearned for Pedo’s sexual acts upon me—to be exposed. Even as a child, I wondered when the deep, dark exploitation would come to light. I now realize, that if I had known it would last until I became an adult; I do not think I would have been able to survive it. Fortunately, I was able to endure it for so long, because I believed that each day could bring revelation of the detestable actions Pedo was perpetrating against me. I knew my mother and the extended family by marriage would certainly become aware of it. And put a stop to it. It never entered my mind that all the adults I trusted knew what Pedo was doing to me. And allowed it because it benefited them all in a variety of ways.

I learned later, from other immediate family members (other than my mother or Pedo), that even during my very young years, my grandma had an inner feeling—that something dark—was going on between Pedo and me. I learned that my grandma did not want this can of worms opened; for she was scared that my mother would lose me to state care. I believed she loved me dearly; but if this secret was true, she would never allow this kind of disgrace to become known about her or her family. At any and all costs, she had to keep her good standing in the community; even at the expense of my sexual innocence. Therefore, it was evident that the closest family members who knew and could have done something about my child sex slavery, (betrayed me in the worst possible way) during my and most vulnerable, formative years. I had to face the fact that these people, who could have stopped Pedo from violating my sexual innocence at the age of four, had actually chose to pimp me to him. I was given to Pedo as his whore, in exchange for my mother’s desire for ultimate freedom from him—so she could work every night at the bar—except when it was closed on Sunday. Sunday afternoons were spent, playing the façade of the good family, while visiting my maternal grandma. However, my mother spent her one night off, as an unmarried woman, running the roads with Pedo’s sister.

The first reason my mother pimped me out to Pedo was because she would have a live-in-babysitter. The second reason my mother had for pimping me out, was because she would have access to all Pedo’s money. She had all she wanted out of life: a free baby-sitter and all Pedo’s earnings. He had to give her all his money or she would expose what he had been doing to me. I learned she held his pedophilia over his head. His pedophilia provided her with the goods on him, if he did not do what she wanted. She knew the big secret about Pedo being divorced from his first wife because she caught him sexually molesting his infant daughter. All my years of being under Pedo’s roof, his child never visited or called him. I surely would have known it if he was in contact with her. I also learned that when Pedo and my mother divorced, she held his sexual abuse of me as leverage; in order for her to take him to the cleaners. She took the house and anything else he had at the time of the divorce. He totally had to start his life all over again. Pedo moved out of a nice house into a raunchy trailer; with the clothes on his back.

One of my main questions I had when discussing what Pedo had done with the attorney was— “why didn’t Pedo leave and get out of the relationship with my mother?” I thought it over for some time. And I believe it was for three reasons: first, Pedo enjoyed what he was doing to me; second, he was in jeopardy of his pedophilia being exposed by my mother if he left; and third, he was actually scared of my mother’s volatile behavior at times. I believe she had symptoms of Bipolar. And He knew he would be alright, as long as he continued to please her—and allow her to live the high life. Pedo wanted me. And my mother wanted freedom and money. They were both getting exactly what they wanted out of the relationship.

This book is not a chronological picture of my child sex slavery. The book does, however, follow a path that utilizes the stages of grief along with my own added stages, in the process of finding closure and complete healing for adult victims of child sex slavery/ abuse. The steps of my journey are based in the loss of my sexual innocence as a child. My childhood was lived as one who is actively experiencing death and hell; while trying to live. My whole life since birth until I came alive in Christ; I was a walking dead person. From the age of four to eighteen, I lived every waking moment under the fear of death, punishment, neglect, blame, and dissatisfaction—at the hands of Pedo and my mother. Under threat of death, I could tell to no one, about what was going on behind closed doors—not my grandmother, not my teachers, no one.

During the process of earning my masters of science in social work (MSW), I researched a variety of different theories. I discovered a specific theory that could be used to explore and examine the loss of a child’s sexual innocence. And bring relief to adults who have suffered childhood trauma. (9) I assessed the specific theory and found it could definitively aid in the total healing and recovery for adult victims of ritualistic child sexual slavery/ abuse. I deducted that stage theory, would provide a strong, foundational springboard for further research; concerning the affects that child sexual abuse has on its victim. Because of its strong legacy, (as a way for individuals to unravel the detrimental emotions and painful memories buried deep within) –from loss of their sexual innocence as a child—it will conclusively provide a healing pathway towards closure to the past. And subsequently, bring adult victims of child sexual slavery/ abuse full restoration, recovery, and maximum mental health. Stage theory, I recognized, was extremely logical and fitting for victims to become mentally stronger than they could ever imagine; and more empowered to face current and future obstacles with clarity, maturity, and courage. The definition of stage theory is a system whose succession pattern is a visible phenomenon. (10)

As I studied the stages of loss, while working toward my MSW, I noticed a paradigm that brought much insight into to what happened to me over the whole course of my childhood. I found that looking at my life as stages I passed through, posed a model I could use to compartmentalize and make sense of the adverse variables of the intense suffering I endured—during the loss of my sexual innocence as a child sex slave. I discovered that someone had proposed stages that individuals pass through when they are dying or grieving the loss of another’s life. I knew at this point I had found what I had been looking for: a framework that I could apply to help me deal with the loss of my sexual innocence as a child. I saw the stage process as a foundational theory that would bring me closure, final acceptance, and enhanced insight; into my life’s journey and its evil beginnings—all the way to my present joy filled life. I was very excited, but remained astute; as I considered the fact that there will always be struggles with current life issues. But I saw a way to allow for adult victims of child sexual abuse to have the therapeutic support to rationally deal with their past trauma; all the way through to final closure. I realized this therapeutic support would allow intrinsic hope and joy to meet; to overcome whatever adult victims needed to achieve their life goals through total restoration. I put forth this hypothetical, yet, foundational question: Can victims of child sex abuse be assured of finding wholeness of mind and spirit; after such betrayal beyond belief—by callous family members?

After I confirmed that stage theory was the “best fit” for treatment of adult victims of childhood sex slavery, my research led me to a woman named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Kubler-Ross, a leading Swiss psychiatrist/ journalist is an extremely published author on death and dying. (11) Her famous work proposed that dying individuals usually pass through stages; as a way to cope with death. Subsequently, I found a correlation between the Kubler-Ross stages and how I was able to process all the pain and suffering in a totally manageable approach. I progressively moved forward with strong confidence and certainty, that I had found the path to my complete healing. I perceived that within Kubler-Ross’ proposed stages of grief, there was a strong correlation to the way I coped during my years of childhood trauma. As I began processing the loss of my sexual innocence as a child, using Kubler-Ross’ proposed stages of grief, it proved to be a solid foundation upon which I created a comprehensive treatment. Astoundingly, through its use I have fully recovered. This innovative treatment utilizes the original stages of grief, along with newfound stages. I was in need of added stages to reach full recovery. This novel therapy also provides a systematic evaluation process as victims move through its stages. It also targets past trauma of child sex slavery/ abuse at the victims specific educational level. And I believe when used properly by mental health professionals for adult victims of child sex slavery/ abuse—will positively bring full understanding and wholeness to a formerly ravaged life.

I propose that God chose to reveal this new therapy to me, with the conditional purpose that I give Him all the glory. I named it the—“Grief Stages Plus Narrative Therapy” (GSPNT). Although the therapy is fluid, it still delineates specific stages throughout the individuals narrative; allowing the individual to move at their own pace in the healing process. And if desired, when the individual reaches closure, the successive stages will fast-track the individual to self-actualization. This original and unique therapy is to equip professionals and support group leaders, by leading adult victims of child sexual abuse through a rewarding and optimistic plan for reaching optimum mental health; by working through past issues through the narrative process in a therapeutic manner with a licensed clinical professional as I did. As a pioneer, who has gone through GSPNT, I show how it brought relief and wholeness to me as a broken and hurting individual; who needed answers to my deepest questions. I establish that all my questions have been answered. And through this therapy, any victim who chooses to seriously reach full recovery can have it through GSPNT.

With absolute assurance, I vouch that wholeness is possible after being a child sex slave. I have experienced it first-hand. And, I know that GSPNT came from the all-wise and all-powerful God of creation; Who has remarkable, unconditional love and care for adult victims of child sex slavery/ abuse. The bible says that all things are possible with God. (12) In addition, God does not show favoritism. (13) Therefore, what He does for one person, He will do for others. Therefore, all victims of child sex slavery can trust and believe that God will help them—as he helped me— through His agape love. And continually empower His children to live for Him. I now live a tremendous life each day as He daily provides me with understanding and revelation of my true identity in Him. (14) However, even though God gives power to be healed, it still takes the hurting individuals' willingness, perseverance, and faith to receive it and maintain it, (by continuing a working relationship of rapport), with a multidisciplinary team of experts.

After applying this narrative therapy to my own life, I have processed my way out of living as a victim of child sexual abuse. I now have complete closure to my past, which has subsequently caused me to become the mature individual I was always meant to be. I specifically remember coming to realize I was finally stepping into my full potential in life, and obtaining the highest stage in my life—self-actualization. (15) Self-actualization is further described by Abraham Maslow, who was an American psychologist who stressed the importance of focusing on the positive qualities in people, as opposed to treating them as a "bag of symptoms”. (16)


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