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Journal of Janet Tallulah

Volume 2

By Jay W. MacIntosh

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2016 Jay W. MacIntosh

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Dedicated to Jamie, Mark, Katherine, and Tyler MacIntosh

“As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

― Henry David Thoreau


As I wander through this journey of life, I have gone through fundamental changes along the way. The person I am now is very different from the girl who moved to California from Georgia. I never went through a “quarter-life crisis” or a “mid-life crisis”. I went through one crisis after another; most of my own creation. It made life interesting. If there weren’t a crisis created by Mother and/or Daddy, or my sister Patricia, or my sister Barbara, I created one, just to get things riled up. After I got to California, I continued creating crises – plus, my kids helped, until I became an attorney. By then, I was desperate to find better ways to live. Life has been rough for all of us, yet definitely “interesting”.

Trust was an issue from the get-go. Mother saw to that. My earliest recollection of a trust issue involved my blanket – my warm, wonderful pink blanket with reindeer. Happiness was sucking my thumb while holding my blanket. I must have been around two. Needless to say, Mother had problems with my thumb and my blanket. So, to get me to stop, she took my blanket away in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. I freaked when I found it missing. She said I was too old for a blanket and sucking my thumb. So, the blanket was gone – burned. She said she burned it. How? Why? I remember crying as though my heart would break. As a result, I resolved to hate her for the rest of my life. But, the real problem was that it destroyed my ability to trust others. And, even though I strove to be trustworthy, I’m not sure I was. Plus, there were many times when I would be telling the truth, and other would think I was lying. So, trust remains a biggie in my life.

After the blanket crisis, I experienced one crisis after another. Climbing the forbidden cherry tree; seeing Daddy and Mother having a fight when he was drunk and thought I was asleep; making a hole in my report card with ink eradicator to erase the “A-minus” in deportment and self-control; chasing my sister Barbara through the house with a butcher knife to get her away from the piano so I could play; chasing Janice Martin down Green Street with a feather to show the world that she was afraid of a silly feather; giving my comic books to George Groover because Mother said NOT TO because he was “white trash”; slipping out the bedroom window at night to create mischief with Alice Whitehead; cutting class to go to the forbidden river; trying to learn about sex. None of this was earth-shaking, mind you, but I managed to create quite a stir in our household.

Yet, during all of it, I was lonely. I knew things and hinted at things that others apparently did not know or did not want to know. Often, I perceived what was really going on behind the facades – the subtext, so to speak. I saw life on two levels simultaneously. To enlarge my world, I went to the University of Wisconsin from Gainesville High School. And, believe me, attending a large, mid-western university straight out of GHS was a series of crises – a major re-learning how to live. Pledged Kappa Alpha Theta, got “pinned” to Darrell MacIntyre; got date-raped on Picnic Point; got pregnant; quit school; got married; had babies; finished college; taught college; moved to California in 1968. And, that is just for starters.

I began writing in a Journal in 1969. I had been in California for about a year. A friend of mine, John Prince, told me about a weekend retreat in San Jacinto, California, that was conducted by a man named Ira Progoff. I discovered that Ira Progoff was an American psychologist who had studied under Carl Jung. That didn’t mean a lot to me, but I didn’t care. I was unhappy and in an unhappy marriage, trying to change my life and confused as hell. I discovered that Ira was best known for his development of the Intensive Journal Method in his approach to human psychology. His main interest was in depth psychology and particularly the humanistic adaptation of Jungian ideas to the lives of ordinary people – like me. He founded Dialogue House in New York City to help promote this method. So, I started attending his weekend retreats in 1969 with John Prince.

The first weekend was a confused mess. I didn’t understand much of what I was hearing. First, I was told that the main idea of Journal writing is to provide a total program for the inner life to discover what is taking place in me. Well, I did not know that I had an “inner life”, much less need to discover what was taking place inside of me. Ira said that the Journal was to be the basis to set myself over against what is working inside of me. To me, that was the same thing as a “diary”. How was it different?

Ira said that the Journal is the hub of the wheel. I must use the Journal in privacy but also, I must use it in a group because a group and group contact will open me up. In a workshop, each person is like a well in a circle of wells. If I individually go down my own well, there is a great benefit in hearing myself say something I want to say. The Journal is structured to prevent the self from going in a circle. There are two main parts: the Log Section and the Depth Section.

In the Log Section, I must write brief entries. There is the Period Log, which covers some “period” in my life marked by some event, i.e., a unit in some life situation. Then, there is the Daily Log, which covers each day, making daily records of what is going on in my inner life, such as my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams, and my fantasies. The Daily Log gives me a sense of style and rhythm in my life, calling me to make entries when something compels me to do so. If I wake with thoughts and ideas, write them in the Daily Log. If I have a song running through my head, write it in the Daily Log.

The Depth Section is where I want to get down as much of this life now as I can. When I work in my Journal - especially in a workshop, time will pause. All before is past; all after is future. During that pause, I will go down and dialogue with persons – with uncompleted relationships. I will dialogue with works – with committed works. I will dialogue about group experiences – other group experiences – other than the workshop. The Depth Section is also the dream section where I will go into a dream in depth, referencing it in the Daily Log with a sentence or three, without interpretation or analysis. If I try to interpret it or analyze it, I will stop the flow. I must remember never to jump to conclusions because, in Journal writing, I must deal mainly with symbolic things. Not focus on facts. Write about perceptions, goals, fears, obsessions, thoughts, loves, hates, reasoning behind choices in an attempt to become more conscious. Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am who I choose to become.” He said, “There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.”

In the summer of 1973, I wrote in my journal: “The title of my book will be Me and My Friend. Myself, and my best friend ‘Janet’. Once I discover my friend Janet, nothing will ever be the same again. I may go through tunnels, over mountain tops, through valleys, over dales. But I will always have ‘my friend.’”

“Here is the preface to my book: “Without the cross, there is no crown. That thought rings through my very being. I sigh. Without the cross… the crosses… the pain… Without the pain, there is no growth. Is that true of everything? Does grass feel pain to grow? What a strange breed, these humans.

So, here I am. Writing a book. Preparing to share with you my soul. My life. My joys. Ambitions. I wonder if it will be interesting. Who knows? At least, I anticipate the fun of writing it. Or will it be? Fun? I look forward to delving into myself. Writing. Reading my Journals. Selecting. Pouring bits and pieces of me onto the paper. Wow! I finally am doing it. I have finally begun “my book”. I can’t (cannot is more fun to write but rather stilted) wait to see how it evolves.”

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, But from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

― Carl Jung


January 1, 1972

Saturday: This is the First Day of the Rest of My Life. Blake just told me that I have bad breath and should use Scope. Darrell told me that last night. What causes my bad breath? I must work to lose it. Well, Darrell is gone again today. I was so angry at him last night. Why? I got angry when I heard him sighing around the house and scowling. He wouldn’t make reservations for dinner; then, he wouldn’t wait to be seated at Chuck’s Steak House. He is tense and up tight. I feel sorry for myself. I don’t have any love, a male friend. I want someone to be sweet and kind to me, yet I turned him off when he tried to be sweet and kind to me. It is so confusing, and I get lost trying to figure it out. He doesn’t like home or me. But I must be patient, especially in January. Last night at Larry Flax’s, I wanted to stay late and dance. I was just beginning to unwind when Darrell wanted to go home. Why?

I must look to the future. Next year, I will be doing the kind of parts I want to be doing. I must get in touch with those thoughts to keep calm. Darrell is merely trying to discover himself. Life is one long period of waiting – waiting for someone to come, waiting for something to happen, waiting for happiness, the anticipation of waiting, and then, the waiting for Death. Are these pre-war times? Like the times of pre-Hitler? Pete Duel shot himself at age 31, yesterday.

January 2, 1972

Sunday: We spent over $30,000 last year and I made about $8,000 net. The stocks are gone, and the savings account is down to nothing. I must cut off $10,000 from expenses - how does one do that? Carpet = $1,000; Camp = $1000; Georgia = $1,000; Attorney; Fees - $1,000; New appliances and service = $1,000; Christmas Party = $1,000. As money comes in, I will save $2,000 for camp and Georgia.

January 4, 1972

Tuesday: I am at Gertrude’s Journal Workshop. She wants us to do a Listening Prayer. How do I do that? What do I want to focus on? I am foundering in a surface sea. How do I get once again to my seed – that place which is calm and secure inside of me - that knowledge of who I am – that knowledge of my destiny? What is this thing that has taken four lifetimes of preparation that is about to be fulfilled? I want to feel my core. I want to see clearly once again, with perspective, so that I know where I am in my growth and be content. I am so tired of thinking and chasing and feel a need to be quiet for a long period of time so that my heart and breath will calm down. I sat in fear, yet anticipation, of Darrell’s departure. And, now that he is gone, I can’t seem to breathe. I am in a daze – another level of consciousness.

Before the telephone: I fell into a semi-sleep and felt my breath calming and my body calming – my mind still planning my career and spinning: Bonanza – Robert Viharo – Ann Helm – Take Sybil to Ira’s Journal Workshop. Maybe that is the four life-times preparation that I have been in, and my destiny is to lead people to themselves! But, what do I do about my frustration if they don’t like it? What if they don’t like Ira’s way? Is this my destiny – to carry it further and help confused, creative searchers to themselves? If I am impatient with searchers, then that is my problem to work on. If I am still planning, planning, and planning, trying to control, then that too is my problem to work on. Image: I see a lot of lines scrunched together and swaggering like stacked wheat. These lines can also be relaxed and pushed together.

Image, I see a folding over and down of a pole with a clip thing with an animal head on it, folding down and over, down-over, down-over, down to who knows where when the next thing I know, I am swimming the butterfly stroke in a beautiful blue sea water with a white dove hovering over me and guiding me. I am tireless but want the rest – the ending. Image: I see George Weber in pre-was Germany before Hitler and the Berlin games, and I feel the paralyzing feeling of fear.

The telephone just rang: I feel anger welling up inside of me. Are my kids calling me? Do they need help? Why doesn’t Gertrude Schwartz do something? Is my answering service calling me? Damn the telephone! I must calm myself. I must have patience. It doesn’t matter. I don’t have to have the maximum experience every time. Is that someone writing? How dare them!!! Calm yourself, Jay / Janet. It is just a noise in the kitchen. I want to scream!!! I want to run!!! I want to make a noise, a commotion, and refuse to continue!!! My nerves are on edge! Relax, Janet. Calm yourself. Remember the star-cross, the center – one breath, one moment. I don’t want it to be a moment. I want it to be forever. I don’t want to die - that blackness – that ending = that it is over! I am afraid. And, anxious! What is it like, Peter Duel? What is it like? I want to cry and cry and cry and cry.

Oh, Ira, what a catalyst you are. I would like to shout it to the rooftops. But, I want somebody to hear. I want somebody to come. I want my shouting to matter, to be productive and what if it is not? Then, I will be failure and deflating success. The pomp and circumstance is gone and only I am left with my methods and my procedures and myself to live life as best I can from one staggering moment to the next. The unknown does not have to be fearful, just expectant. Something in me is dying. I am experiencing a death. The pomp and circumstance of my childhood is passing. I am one of the carrots. There are lots of flowers but also a few carrots.

Mantra: “the center of the star cross? Mantra: “pomp and circumstance are gone.” Mantra: “a flowering of the self.”

It is important to say, to state every time you are in a horrid place – really deal with it and state how it feels and keep saying it and it will move on and reverse itself. I get ideas of awareness’s and analogies and I try to say them and I seem to be off. No one can understand. A wound will heal when you first reorganize the wound and release the need for an end or a result. Golda said, “Don’t talk about the dogs.” Have the patience to wait; don’t rush toward experiences; fully experience them. Think of the unfolding rose. Think of a coral rose. I am excited about life and the future. Forget guilt and allow it to happen.

Later: I am tired and flooded with adrenalin. Everything is moving too fast. How will I process all of this and where will it lead? I am riddled with fear. The children are also afraid. What are we all afraid of?

January 5, 197

Wednesday: Darrell is gone. He left while I was at the grocery store buying groceries for dinner. When I came home, I saw that Darrell’s closet door was open and the closet was empty. I could hardly believe my eyes. I then looked into the chest of drawers, and his drawers were empty. Then, I went into the bathroom and everything was gone. I thought he was only going to be away for two months to study for the Bar Exam. Not true. I can hardly breathe. I cannot stop crying.

January 9, 1972

Sunday: I am at I.C.C. - another Workshop. Image, I see Tommy Aaron, who is on my mind. I am reaching a deep place. A star is shining through brightly. Many images pass through. I see buildings on my left. I am getting into a deep place within myself. I am relaxing and bending down without pain as the experience deepens. It is nice to grow quiet and allow myself to get quiet and go deep. The anger leaves me. Is this Zen meditation? I realize each person is an extension of another. There are no enemies. The ego is diminished since no man can live alone. 1) Meditate on an object; 2) Meditate without an object. Have NO thoughts. Calm the water so you can see the reflection. The technique of Zen is to master one’s own mind. Let happiness come and go - like a butterfly. DON’T try to catch it. Everywhere I go, God goes - I am God. I must master anger, lust, greed, attachment, and pride.

Gertrude says to write about Darrell and see what I want and what I am doing. It won’t work itself out; I must work on it. Are these singers from the Source? Dr. Green and his wife are great. We are going into the final section of I.C.C. It is hot. I get nervous among all these “long-hairs”. I could have addressed some envelopes during the music. I’m ready to go home. My mind keeps going to Tommy Aaron, Darrell, and the boy who looks like Roger Bright in my dance class. I should send myself flowers. The Swami is difficult to understand. I need to get some money to pay allowances, wash clothes, do envelopes, and write notices for the paper.

A man is speaking, and I must take notes to understand. He is a Swami or something, saying: Regarding relationships, it is a new and a big step to go from instinct consciousness to individualized consciousness. Relationship is to be the center of attention rather than to be the self and asking what someone else can do for me.

Relationship is what we together can do for the universe and its power. The interplay of opposites is necessary for whole consciousness. 1) Going from one crisis to another lead to whole consciousness, but that is the long and hard way; 2) At the core of the self is the opposite of self – within me – not without. Seed man and seed woman becomes the “we” that leads to whole consciousness. The consciousness is already within us. We have only to remember it - it is within us. Cooperation is possible in the spiritual sense. We are already united in the spiritual sense. We have a common purpose in praying, but we have a choice in which way we pray.

How to know where we have forgotten is the important question. Happiness, peace, and joy can never be gotten from the outside. They are in me. If a man is selfish, he disturbs his mind. Don’t try to keep the fruit yourself - give it to others. The apple tree won’t eat its own fruit. Know yourself. See yourself in the other man, and then love him as you love your own self. This leads to cooperation and love. My karma has to do with dealing with un-pleasantries because I have conflict about wanting the fruit myself and yet giving it away. Gertrude said that when a person is under pressure, she goes into self- preservation. Don’t lay my unhappiness on Darrell. If I am at one, he cannot disturb me.

January 10, 1972

Monday: I am aware of many dreams, but they escape me. Tonight, I will program myself to remember. The weekends are lonely, yet I am glad it is over – the waiting. I’ll be glad when it is March. Will I go to New York? What if Darrell is not studying but planning his divorce and move back to Georgia. I get frightened at night.

January 12, 1972

Wednesday: I feel down -very down - tonight. I see no hope for a future for Darrell and me. At the Studio, Johnny Ray let me down. Plus, Felton Perry was sick and breathed on me. All those black kids scared me. Thank heavens for Jay J Saunders. I feel nauseous. I need to spend more time with the kids at home. Hadidjah called and said such good things. And, Hildy Brooks was genuinely sorry she missed my party. That’s nice.

January 13, 1972

Thursday: I awoke with a pang in my chest. Darrell is on my mind - sifting and sorting and loving him - feeling empty. He doesn’t love back; there is no relationship. I am in the Van Nuys Court House and the atmosphere increases the pain. It is his milieu – the people he deals with. They appear to be young and single - sharing his goals - with lots of money. Our roads are not the same - different. He is a little child in soul growth and has much to experience and learn. Maybe in another life, we will have more good feelings together. I miss him. I am very sad. I want a mature man to take his place.

Attorneys are their own breed of people. I am taking my frustration out on the children. I made Trascey stop talking over the phone. I wouldn’t let her invite people over to the house. Why? When I was her age, I loved talking to Wade on the phone and having my friends over. Why am I denying her these things? Another weekend is coming up. It is only Thursday, and the pain has already begun. I feel isolated. What will happen on Sunday? Reason and logic tell me to make a life without Darrell, and that is what I am preparing for. Yet my heart hurts. Mary of Scotland had a tormented life. I wonder if I will. I am glad that I am taking the time to fight these people, even if I lose. I must fight for my money. I must learn. I wonder what will happen to Steve Miller if Darrell and I get a divorce.

Later: I WON. I did not have to pay $15.00. But I am racing with time, yelling at my children and getting booked up. I have no time to think. I want to read, to learn lines, to write Christmas thank-yous, to catch up with my dreams. Yet I book my time. At times, I love Darrell’s being gone. I want my own time and a meaningful relationship. Maybe in the next life I will have a meaningful relationship. Friends have been good to me - Jennifer was sweet tonight. I’m tired.

January 14, 1972

Friday: Today was Barbara’s 40th birthday. Wow - that is heavy. I wonder what Darrell is doing. Edith says, “Just BE”. I’ll try. I have a lot to write about - my need to talk to this guilt; my struggles with Trascey re ice-skating, the telephone, and boys; my day on the set of “The FBI”; Tamara’s phone call; my ad; and the flyers. I’m not reserving time for myself – too many things are going on. Blake is coughing and catching a bad cold. Ice skating is too much. The kids need more rest. Their hours are crazy. Life feels crazy. I need more “routine” - for everyone’s sake.

January 15, 1972

Saturday: My rash is spreading and itching. I am afraid that I picked up something at the Van Nuys Court House. I need to catch up on sleep. I am eating too much starch. And, I am constantly chastising myself. I felt out of place with Edith at the movie last night. I should spend more time with the children at night. Next week, I will. Darrell is in my thoughts a lot. I want to have a good time with Ben Murphy. He is a Pisces. I am really attracted to him. “Tutti Fiori” is on my mind. I wonder if Darrell will drop by tonight. He lied to me on Tuesday night - he went to take witnesses to dinner. He is mixed-up. I am mixed-up – and treating Trascey the way Mother treated me. I must open up our communication with each other. Blake is catching a cold.

January 16, 1971

Sunday: My dream projection was fulfilled - I had a great time with Ben Murphy. He is a double Pisces with an old hand - success after 30. March 6 is his birthday. The kids are upset because I won’t let them go ice-skating. They are grounded because they had trouble with Officer Dean with their beads and begging. Darrell called. He told me to “skim the pool”. What is that - so matter of fact? Life is nicer without him. Yet, I like knowing he is there. Maybe this time it will break. Ben even said I am “mixed-up”. November was a good month. Craig won his first hockey game. Isn’t that great.

Later: I saw my “Bonanza” with the Millers, Talcotts, Miller Seniors and Darrell. I am pleased, yet empty. I’m glad Darrell is not here. I like not being tied down. Plus, Darrell makes me angry – so does Rosa. Gertrude, Connie, and Edith called. Sandy Miller is pregnant. My thoughts are one big blah.

January 18, 1972

Tuesday: I am at Gertrude’s Journal Workshop. She told us to write a Listening Prayer: I pray to have more understanding and objectivity about Darrell and my life; to have more control over my emotions which cause me to tremble; to acknowledge the terrific excitement that I feel about being single; to experience the positive way my life is going; to reinforce the resolve I have to continue to fight to stay at the core of my being; and to overcome my imbalance.

My art work seems simple, with bold upward strokes of the chalk’s flat side. I see the roots and trunk of a tree – planted solidly into the ground – drawn using pastels and fantasy colors; then I see a volcano which becomes a funnel. It is nothing wanting to be something but not yet ready to happen. I have the feeling that my art work was finished earlier, yet I continued to draw and then being dissatisfied with what I drew. Marsha has lots of curves and curls. I love her drawings. They are more like “designs”. Some people think in designs. Nothing came to me tonight. My mind is tired and full. I feel the need for a long workshop. I feel the need to sit with myself and allow myself to flow out of myself in order to clear the upstairs.

So much has happened, and so fast. I am tired and need to catch up. Mother, calls, letters, notes I need to write, scenes – I like being busy. It gives me a feeling of connection with people. Am I avoiding being alone by over-scheduling my time? Who knows, but I am not stopping. I am going to keep going, going, going. I want to share with this group, but I have nothing to say. I am restless, tense, nervous, tired, excited, and achy. My imaging came and went. I remember nothing except that a tarot card passed through. I don’t remember the details.

Craig keeps asking me if I am going to be home. I keep saying no - even when I want to be home. I don’t want to go to South Park. I am tired and glad that Darrell is away. I want Ben to call. I don’t know where I am in my relationship with Darrell. I want to be free of him yet am bound to him. I’m tired of thinking about it. Are we just living apart for a while or are we over? Maybe my art work is a weary tree trunk. That is what it is. This is not a time for remembering dreams or writing. I feel sorry for Sybil. I think of Mother, Daddy, all of Gainesville, Alice, and on and on.

I am tired of thinking. I must strive for balance in my life. Darrell has a Scorpio rising. What is his moon? A Taurus with Scorpio is very bound. This is too much in one sitting. I must quit obsessing over psychics – psychic stall my growth. When will I catch up? My art work and the painting look like Christmas. I don’t want that. Air – I must get air. All my paintings look alike. Will the pattern break? I am holding on to myself.

January 19, 1972

Wednesday: I remembered my dreams again. Plus, I made a connection at Gertrude’s last night. Now, if I could only relax, I would sleep well. Darrell is on my mind - what to do.

January 20, 1972

Thursday: I feel terrible - I broke Craig’s American Pie record because he broke Blake’s walky-talky. He is getting big deal again. Why? He stopped it for a while. Now he is getting back to it. Damn Darrell - I am so angry at him. And he probably feels persecuted. He has been awful to all of us. I feel lonely. I dread this weekend with nothing to look forward to – that crummy old clerk’s part and a scene. I look forward to Ira’s workshop. I am screaming at the children like an old witch - staying away a lot and not wanting to be home – and the kids are going wild again like before when I was never home. My tension is causing it.

I want to scream and kick and cry and beat on Darrell. I think he is mean. As a result, I tried to hurt him and did. He hurt me – staying out until 1:00 a.m. and never coming home and not liking us. Are we unlikable? Even Ben didn’t call back. Maybe it is me. I am unlikable. I am tired, lonely, and feeling unloved - and taking it out on my family. I didn’t get that commercial. Nobody wants me - not even Charles Gray. And, Steve Miller didn’t call. Should I call him? I will just stay home and relax.

January 21, 1972

Friday: I now have some time. I rested and feel better. This time I don’t hurt so much and really don’t want a man who doesn’t want me, even though I wish I were going out tomorrow night. Maybe I will ask Sybil to go to a movie. Edith and I did her scene for Strasberg at the Studio. I hope she passed but I have my doubts. I think she needed more behavior. Then I had dinner with Sandy and Steve Miller, his mom and dad, and Sandy and Bob Talcott. It was a lovely evening except for thoughts of Darrell. I think I am outgrowing Darrell even though there are times I think he is outgrowing me. He struggles to grow but appears to stifle it.

January 22, 1972

Saturday: I dreamed that I am on a boat with Darrell. He is unhappy. As a result, the entire trip is unhappy. Tonight, I went to a Travel Club with Sybil and her date. How did I ever allow myself to get there? Then, after I got there, I did not have the nerve to leave. That was my lesson for the day. I wanted to see “Fiddler”. UGH!

January 23, 1972

Sunday: I feel sick when I think of how I wasted an evening last night. If I had stayed home and watched Kim Darby on TV, it would have been better. Or, I could have asked Paul to go see ‘Fiddler”. Damn. It makes me feel bad toward Sybil, but I didn’t have to go. It was just my fear of being alone on a Saturday night. In the meantime, my kids are unsupervised. I need to stay home. Should I go with everyone to see Jim Jones today? Yes, I guess. But, I need home time - there is too much running around. I dreamed about Darrell. I wonder who he is taking out. Take note, Jay/Janet. In time, the interest will go away or become subdued. Flash - I see Green Street Circle on a Sunday. I want to get some notes written today. I worry about arthritis. I have too much to do today - I cannot manage it all. Maybe I can manage some of it.

Later: Jim Jones was great. And, we had a nice evening at home. I like living alone. I feel compelled to make a decision but am not ready to decide. All of us are glad the Darrell is away. The kids are fine. There is no tension – except that I am tired of writing thank-you notes.

January 26, 1972

Wednesday: It is late afternoon. I feel sick right now. I went to an interview with Sally Powers and Rick Rosner for the series “Father Knows Best”. I handled it all wrong, talking too much. First, I should never have told Rick Rosner that I knew him. I should have played it cool and straight all the way. I talked about numerology, psychics, and laughed too much. I feel sick, sick, sick. Nan Martin and Peggy McKay were my competition. I needed to be more dignified.

January 27, 1972

Thursday: I still feel pain about the mistake I made yesterday. The tower is kiddlywampus. I must keep my mouth shut. I will be glad when the pain goes away. “If only’” tears me apart. I hope I learned a lesson. Robert would be disappointed in me, if he knew – because I am. I feel empty inside – re the series and the commercial. I need the pain to go away. I wish Ben would call back – for next weekend. I want to stay single but will go back to Darrell – even though that is a horrible life.

Later: Barbara and Anna Beth are here, and I am still on my merry-go-round - I wonder if Mary Robin Redd will be there tomorrow night; I remember what I forgot to ask Bob Pike; I want to see Pattie; I want/don’t want Rosa; I want to work constantly. Stop. Don’t stew. Enjoy. Enjoy Barbara and where she is right now. See Anna Beth and my children. Have fun with my family. Spread love.

January 28, 1972

Friday: I will be glad to get into February. I slept very little and my stomach is in knots. I don’t like anyone in the bed with me. I am thinking about Lou Antonio and his former wife - Lane Bradbury, for some reason. I dreamed about Darrell’s change. He felt good in my dream. I don’t want to get involved with him again - he is too uptight and tense. I don’t want to go through hard years with him again. There is no need for all that stress. I am glad that Rosa cannot stay. I don’t have the money to pay her, plus she uses more water, more electricity. I wish I could afford her because the kids like her here. But, $65 a week. Wow. I want Ben to call me back. Flash - Darrell is reading my Journal. He said so. I want a divorce from this man. I want to learn to relax.

Later: I am at Ira’s Journal Workshop with Barbara. I am holding onto myself and my neck hurts. Golda, Terry, Lula, Joanne, Jim, Bill, Tamara, Jim Ingebretsen, Theo and Dick, Gertrude, Radmilla, Gerri House, Sid and Mary – they all are here. 63 people are here. I am extremely nervous with Barbara being here. It is as if I have something to prove. My head is splitting, and I have worked myself up something fierce. Awareness’s have nothing to do with formal education. Did Jim Ingebretsen just say that? Image, I see a tree-covered street with huge arbors that looks like it could be Mexico City. It seems as if I can say that I want to be rid of Darrell even though I know that I am not. He will be back. Ira says to put myself in the middle of all of my tensions and difficulties and ride with it. As I ride/walk with it, I find the road. I miss Darrell when I think of the beach because he always took me there. I must go alone to break this association.

I awoke early this morning with Tini on the bed with me. I remembered a dream that was important, but I didn’t want to awaken Barbara to write it down. It made me remember times I wouldn’t write dreams down because I did not want to disturb Darrell. I fell back asleep and when I awoke, I remembered having more dreams that I wrote down. I will say again - I don’t like anyone in the bed with me. If Darrell comes back, I want twin beds or 2 double beds. You see, I expect him back one day even though my head says it is better without him. I am sick of this messy relationship. Is it really dead? Like the black swan? Or dying? No blood came out of the wound. Then, I got up to see the kids. We all had breakfast. I heard the noise and excitement of Anna Beth and Tracy. I got tense. I ate and felt I still needed to eat some more. I got upset with Craig’s laughing over having trouble at school. I am constantly judging them, correcting and evaluating. Lieux’s philosophy is to treat them as if they were the neighbor children.

After Barbara had eaten and was reading, I wondered what to do with my time. I cannot seem to sit still and relax. To sew or not to sew – that is the question! The deep conversations with Barbara are jarring. I am still distressed over the Screen Gems interview and not getting a callback and what I did wrong. “Be good to myself”, says Gertrude. I chastise myself unmercifully and feel like it is the end of everything. It is crucial that I don’t EVER make a mistake. I am on a merry-go-round of false values and won’t get off. Tense and tight, I am screwed up. I am horny - miss having a man and want Ben to call back. Will he? I wait for calls that never come. I feel scrunched, tight and tense. Plus, I heard Susan Stafford is throwing a big party that is so Hollywood. I am out of touch. I need to come down, relax, and have a nice lunch with someone. I drink too much wine and eat too much food. What am I trying to prove? Why so much food since Wednesday? I miss Paul. He is a nice guy. Plus, one has to move slowly with Barbara. I wonder how Dick stands it. She told me he’s gay. I am shocked. Imagine living with that thought. I can’t. When did she find out? How? Will Darrell make my boys homosexuals? Just thinking of that is upsetting.

Later: We are back home. I need sleep. I am yelling at the kids. They are cleaning the garage. They couldn’t do that if Darrell were here. He is such an old scrooge. I need to get ready, go eat, and call Jeff. I am tired and need time to myself – like take a sauna and get lots of sleep and walk on the beach. I am glad to see everybody at this Workshop and must get out of my head to BE with Barbara and Anna Beth.

January 29, 1972

Saturday: I am still at Ira’s Intensive Journal Workshop. Well, one of these days, I will see “Fiddler”, but Barbara wants to talk to Ira and that is more important. I am glad. I SO love everyone at this Workshop. Craig woke me out of a sound sleep to take him to hockey. He was excited and loves his games. He does much better without Darrell. I dreamed and wrote it down - about homosexuals and Darrell’s wanting to come back because he realized that I was a good thing after seeing my Chart. Get up. Get everything done – breakfast, pay children their allowance, get dressed after deciding what to wear. Oh pain. When the thought of my Screen Gems failure comes to mind, I sink and feel pain. I hope Darrell doesn’t want to come over tomorrow because I don’t want to see him.

Ira is saying that the way to get back in touch is to use the Period Log of the time that has elapsed. It is a way of starting and a way of getting back in. I miss the beach and need to go and feel the ocean on my feet and hands. Maybe I will go tomorrow. Flash Thought - I see City Park in Gainesville, way down in the hollow. Awareness, “MacIntosh” is my name - not Darrell’s, not Daddy’s - my name. Ira is talking. I hope I don’t get tensed-up today. When I am angry, write down the flow and movements of the thoughts and feelings as they take place. Then they will establish their level, and the thing will turn. I must find my joy in my music. I will love working on the Recital. Some lady just “wanted to express her feeling”. Ira stopped her and told her that she was speaking out of the content of her own life. We must be free to move with NO judgments. Don’t judge your judgments. Say “I have these opinions” and don’t judge them.

I am up for “Suddenly in February” and want it too much – the focus is too strong. Release it. Get my mind on something else. Go back and read my dreams. Get the continuity that will give me the context, and then the meanings will emerge. Tamara said talk to the “drive” or that thing that gets me sucked in because it is not an ego trip. All I need in life is to succeed at the Screen Gems interview - bullshit. I need to talk to the sucking-in process – dialogue with it. I get sucked into my career; sucked into Darrell’s helplessness; sucked into con men like Norman Russell. I think the sucking in process is tied up with my subjective point of view about everything. I am not objective with Darrell or Norman Russell or my career. I get subjective and emotional and take everything personally about all three.

Sid and Mary, Tamara, and Radmilla saw my “Bonanza”. I am pleased that they watched. Ira tried to see it. It gives me a good feeling about the future. All I have to cope with is me. I just did “Stepping Stones” about my marriage. It is amazing what people subject themselves to – or what I subjected myself to. I did not recognize important crossroads – whether to get an abortion when I was in Paris, and whether to marry Darrell or go live with Barbara in Tucson and have my baby.

Dialogue with Persons is coming up. I am considering working with Mrs. Lance, Mama Loudermilk, Aunt Mary, Darrell, Barbara, or Trascey. Darrell and I are now separated, not only in body, but in mind and thought and deed. When he left, I was angry and hurt with visions of seeing him dead. He avoided all of us in his turmoil over himself and his own problems. We were burdens in his way. I wanted him out of my life and gone.

Janet: Hello, Darrell.

Darrell: Hello.

Janet: How have you been?

Darrell: Fine.

Janet: Is life hard for you right now?

Darrell: Extremely. I have been studying constantly and going out from time to time.

Janet: With other women?

Darrell: Yes.

Janet: Me, too, with other men.

Darrell: I can’t see you. I have no desire to see you. You only get me terribly upset and frustrated, so you are the last person I want to see.

Janet: I don’t want to see you, either. Tension is gone from our home. We are adjusting to life without you. It was hard for me to feel so unloved and in your way. I felt like an imposition. I was without a companion. Whenever I tried to be interested in you and your work, you put me down. You held back information and lied to me. I could see through a lot of it.

Darrell: Well, I did not want you interfering. I didn’t want your caring. If you told me to go to hell, I felt OK, alone, unloved, and feeling sorry for myself. But, when you started caring and loving me, I didn’t know what to do and avoided you partially, then more and more, and then almost totally. I can’t handle people caring. It makes me feel uncomfortable and ill-at-ease.

Janet: I cannot continue to live my life this way. I cannot live to love and have a relationship with someone who shuts me out, rebuffs me, and stays away because he cannot stand to come home. That is no marriage. That is no relationship.

Darrell: I am mixed up and confused. I cannot handle a relationship right now. I have a lot of problems to solve of my own – about my life and my work and my values and my goals. My life is on the line. I cannot cope with a relationship. Either we will split, or you will have to wait. Even then, I can make no promises. Who knows where I will end up?

Janet: That is true. We want such different things. I want my career. I want my friends. I want a social life. I am not sure what you want – to move back to Gainesville, maybe.

Darrell: I want job security. I want a nice home, a loving wife and children, and a good golf game when I come home.

Janet: Well, they are not that different, but they are different. And, if you don’t want to try, it is hopeless.

Darrell: I don’t want to try any time soon.

Janet: Then – goodbye, Darrell. Maybe one day you will find yourself and find peace within yourself. It was a stormy fourteen years. I am glad it is over.

Darrell: Me, too.

Janet: I don’t want to try, either. I am tired of trying to please you and be what you want me to be. I am tired of shutting people out of my life.

Ira is taking too many breaks. Golda resents it and feels that our three-hour sessions are better. I don’t. That woman’s name is Ellen Sinatra. I wonder if she is related to Frank. My breath is laboring. I read my stepping stones and my recapitulations. I relived my European tour. Barbara is crying. Wow. Will I ever work this problem with Darrell out? Yes, I will. What is the pattern here? Do I always take the easy way out? Maybe I said this before, but I don’t remember. Skip Schaum’s sister, Sandy Carter, is here. There is also a girl named Pat and a psychologist named Maxine. I just got terribly sleepy – still am. I need a nap and feel that Barbara must be terribly exhausted. I just fell asleep. Why did I start a new sheet of paper? Well, at least the ice is breaking, and everyone is getting nicer. I must keep the energies going inward, not outward. Barbara just read her dialogue. Yeah. Terry said I am glad that Darrell is gone but angry because he didn’t go the way I wanted him to. Ira said getting sucked in builds muscles to get back out and that I constantly test myself. I have gotten my second wind and dinner looks delicious - organic for a change. I just had flashes of how power hungry I am. I want power. Ira just said that, when someone finishes a big work, there is a big letdown. One must allow room for the energies to slack and that is what it is rather than a “sucking in”. Let the tension stay on the surface and go down and get in touch with the cosmos and nature. If we can write into the Journal and be open and free, it equals freedom. If we avoid it, it still has a hold.

January 30, 1972

Sunday: I think this time the divorce may actually happen, and I think it is for the best. It will raise my level of being. The Tarot said that by April, proceedings could be started. I need to type those two readings. I dreamed the world turned around, resettled, and was not too shook up over what happened.

Later: Rosa just left and said that maybe she would not like her new job and would be back. Yet, I don’t want her at this point because of money and children’s responsibilities. We all bank together better without her, and she uses water, electricity, food, and supplies, costing me money all the way around. I cannot afford her. We’ll see - who knows what will happen. I need to type those readings of Pattie’s to prepare for the next me. I will do that this week and the dream catch-up and take the library book back. It is a beautiful day. I should take the kids to the beach. We should go to the beach or sit outside or something to soak up the sunshine.

Even later: We are all at the beach. How lovely to be here. I need to get outside more often. Darrell is on my mind all the time. I get angry when I think of his buying clothes or dating a girl and being charming. Maybe he will never be charming to me again. The beach makes me think of him, but I also came here often alone. I am apprehensive about this evening.

Much later: God, am I glad I am home! What a stupid evening. Please, Jay/Janet, learn a lesson.

January 31, 1972

Monday: I am upset as I think about last night. It was a fun dinner, but dumb. That is not where I am right now. Maybe it would have been all right on a Saturday night, but not a Sunday night. That is family night. Plus, I didn’t want any part of the make-out phase of the party. Plus, that ballsy girl, Pat, made me sick. They (Green & Company) knew Sidney Smith and Daddy. I found myself growing hostile. I felt cheap. We went to Yamato’s. They were attorneys from Georgia.

Later: It is a beautiful day outside. I should get out and play tennis or golf or walk or go to the beach. Maybe I will start catching up writing my dreams. Susan Stafford is on my mind. That jerk, Green, last night kept calling me a “purist”. I looked it up. “A purist is one who desires that an item remain true to its essence and free from adulterating or diluting influences.” OK. That sounds about right. I wonder if they are crooks. They are from Austell, Georgia. He is a member of the California Bar, but didn’t write the exam. How can that be? Plus, I never heard of Austell, Georgia.

Much later: I am under the hair dryer. Ben Murphy called. Darrell has been on my mind today. I don’t want to go back to life with him, but think I’ll do it – because I am weak. Where can it possibly lead? Jeanne and John Crudup were in town and called son-of-a-bitch Darrell, not me. I take that personally.

February 1, 1972

Tuesday: I don’t want Darrell back in my life. Maybe he will stay away of his own accord so that I don’t have to make that decision – it is made for me. At last it is February. I miss water and swimming. I miss being thin. I miss firm legs. I miss belonging to someone. Maybe divorce proceedings will have begun by April. I will spend time getting work. I will call casting directors. I will budget my money. I will “not only survive, I will thrive.”

Later: Do you know the only “friends” who wrote me about “Bonanza” were Nelson Carter and Rosemary Wood? Even Hilary did not write to me. On my mind - Mary Kassner and the time she would spend on the toilet. She would take a cigarette to the john and smoke it while trying to have a BM. I think she also took a cup of coffee. That makes more sense than a cigarette. I guess it worked because she kept doing it – for as long as I knew her. She only stayed for a semester. I guess Wisconsin was not the college for her. She had a beautiful smile and seemed unhappy. I think she was shy. I wonder what happened to her. I don’t think Wisconsin was the school for me, either, but I would never admit it. I kept trying to “fit in” – taking Darrell’s pin when I didn’t like him. I liked Brittingham scholar, Christian Lillilund, from Copenhagen.

Even later: I am at Gertrude’s Tuesday night session. Mantra-Crystal: Have got to break the circle. I am trying desperately to decide what to do about my marriage to Darrell. I, at one time, decided not to decide right now. Yet it constantly preys on my mind. If he returns, my free days will end, and tension will return. I will resume trying to please. I will be upset and uptight. There will be quarrels and complaints about children. I dread it - the return of the fourth child whom I will have to mother and manipulate to make life as pleasant as possible. Yet somehow, I find it difficult to break it off. I feel sorry for Darrell. I love him. When he is sweet and thoughtful - on occasion, my hopes soar. I delude myself into believing change is around the corner. When he left, he was horrible - I wanted to kill him to be rid of him forever. Yet, if he passes the Bar Exam, he may be less uptight. The pressure may lift. If he fails, heaven help us. When he is situated in another job situation, will he be less hostile or bitter? Will he always be the same – miserable and unhappy, wishing me to be what I am not and setting up rules for how all of us are to live? What do I do?

Image Meditation. As I began to grow quiet, I see Terry and envy her financial security. I feel helpless because of my need to spend – my struggle. I think of my body - how it aches. I see me and the children skipping down a yellow brick road as Darrell stands by, watching us. We wait for him to catch up. We all try to skip together. Darrell tries to keep up with us but cannot. He weighs us all down and we no longer feel like skipping. Darrell falls behind. We try to pull him back, but he begins to weigh us down. No one feels like skipping. He falls back and goes down, down, and down. We try to hold to him but find the strain unbearable. The children let go. I try to hold on, then let go. When I let go, I see him go down and down and down. I hear echoes of cries from down in the depths. It feels sad and unavoidable. By letting go, we save ourselves.

Dialogue with Decision:

Jay: Decision, you are being so difficult for me to make. I hear in my mind that a decision that must be made is not ready to be made. Yet I feel so the weight of you and wish you to be behind me. I long to get off the middle of this fence and either am single or have a husband. That sounds stupid. I guess I just want to know what to expect. But how can any of us know that, today. And, that is all we have ever - today. But, if I have some control over my todays, then I want to make them better. I don’t want to live with tension and strife and unhappiness, with a man who doesn’t love me or want to have any kind of a relationship. Yet, my fantasy is that when the pressure of the California Bar Exam is removed, Darrell will begin to court me once again and possibly take me on a trip and I will be physically drawn to him again and then the circle will begin again. We will be back into a crippled relationship with its dictations and hostility to people and the world once again crippling our household. I have the opportunity before me to become involved in a creative, growing consciousness of the future and I am through him holding onto the Establishment, the Old, the Secure, and the Past. Help! What do I do? Where is my courage? What am I afraid of losing?

Decision: Well, let’s try on a few fears for size to see. Maybe you are afraid of losing security, the status of “being married”, belonging to someone. Maybe you hate the fact that someone else may make him happy and you couldn’t. Maybe you hate to admit failure.

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