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Up 3-1

Confessions From My Weird

Unfortunate Failed Sex Life

The Prelude

Larry R. Parks

Up 3-1

Copyright © 2017 by Larry R. Parks
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

Water Cooter, LLC, 2017

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There are just a few things that I would like for you to do if

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  1. Go to the Amazon Kindle page and leave a comment on what you thought about the book.

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If you don’t like the book then disregard everything that you

just read.


One of the best things God created was a woman. He pulled Eve right from Adam’s rib and said, “She makes you whole now.” In a man’s mind the woman is Queen and she should be treated like royalty. Open the door, put your jacket over a puddle, defend her and make her feel like she is brighter than the sun in the middle of July. With that image, however, comes great responsibility. Most people call it being “lady-like”. Don’t go around cursing like a sailor, you can’t enter the burping contest with the fellas and most important women don’t take dumps or fart. Yeah, I know it sounds ridiculous because that is a natural body function, but in a man’s mind that never happens to a woman. And the one time that he finds out the true reality of a woman’s digestive system is a major deciding factor for the future of the two.

Hot Carl

I was in advanced math from the 4th grade until the 8th. When I was given the opportunity to take honors math or just do college prep in high school I said to myself,

“Eff that, I’m tired of being smart. Time to be dumb for a change.”

That didn’t change the fact that math was still my favorite subject. Smarter than most the kids in my Algebra classes, I often found myself helping them understand the equations a little better. Fast forward to my college days I think to myself,

“Hey, why not help people with math still…BUT JUST GIRLS.”

Whatever excuse got us alone in the room I was willing to give it a shot.

The older I got the more I volunteered my service, not just for math though, but for classes I had no idea about.

Girl: “Man I have this test and this class is so hard.”

Me: “What class is it?”

G: “Geology.”

M: “Geology?!?! I love rocks!!! How about you come over later and I’ll help you study?”

G: “Really?!! Ok Great.”

I had no idea about rocks. I ended up taking a Geology class semesters later and that chick was spot on about that class. I ended up with a big fat D by the end. Why the hell are rocks so damn hard?!!? Whoever created the study of rocks probably also enjoyed riding in a convertible with the top down and the A/C on. Completely Pointless!

Anyways, I have no idea why these girls never caught on to this bait and switch technique. There was no way that I was the only guy doing this, let alone the first. They would show up with their bag filled with books as if I was about to help them study. Girl if you don’t put those books away and get naked. Majority of the time the night always went as planned except for the chicks that showed up thinking that I invited them to actually study. LOL, Really??

Now I usually didn’t remember these “study nights” because they were by far the most boring ways to hook up. However, there was this ONE TIME. As a matter of fact, I believe that it was also my last time. I was so scarred from the experience that I had to finally retire the “study” pickup line.

There was an underclassman named Sheryl (not her real name of course) and I had been noticing her around campus A LOT. Mainly because she had a pretty nice body. In my mind, as an upperclassman all you had to do was smile at an underclassman and they are ready to throw their underwear at you. Maybe that was true, but not true for me. I had to put in a little effort to loosen them up a little. Lucky for me, Sheryl and I ended up in the same class together. What class may you ask? Fencing. Yep, That’s right. My black ass was in a class with a sword and a white mask poking people while try to stay on a straight line. I was trying to maintain my GPA so easy P.E. classes were the way to go. It was a fun class nonetheless.

So, Sheryl is in my class and she wears these yoga pants every day. Of course, me being the guy I am, I must check her out every chance I get. Let’s make this clear, her ass was probably her greatest feature. Not like she was ugly or anything but she was decent and at least doable. Plus, she had these immature breasts that I couldn’t get over. So, her ass was really the only thing that got my attention. After so many classes of me starring at her ass and flirting with her when we were supposed to be paying attention we finally exchanged numbers. It starts off as just innocent texting and flirting as it usually did and then finally the opportunity presented itself blinking with a neon light over it saying, “IM HERE!!!”

Larry: “What are your plans for tonight?”

Sheryl: “Go get some dinner and then study for this test.”

L: “Sounds boring. What class?”

S: “American Government”

L: “O yeah? I took that class when I was a freshman. You should come over and I’ll quiz ya.”

S: “Really??!! That would be great. Lord knows I need it.”

Technically I wasn’t lying. I did take American Government my freshman year. However, when the professor provided us with the formula to calculate our mid-semester grade I decided that it was best if I dropped the class after realizing that I had a 36 for a grade. Now that I look back, I failed every political science class I had to take at least once. Hence, why I was in a fencing class. I freaking loathe politics.

I shoot Sheryl my address and tell her to let me know when she’s on the way. At this point I was living off campus so I had to make sure that the chicks I approached had a car. There’s nothing worse than picking a chick up to take her back to your place, have sex and then roll over to remember you don’t want her to stay the night. Sheryl finally comes over and what does she have? A bag filled with books. I think to myself,

“I hope you know I aint helping you with that crap”

She throws her bag on the floor and hops onto the bed. To illustrate my room at the time I had my bed set to the right of entering my room but when you first walk to the door there was a chair across from the bed. I strategically did this on purpose because I got tired of dropping the ball and missed opportunities. So, when women entered the room they had choices. If she chose the chair, then I knew that she wasn’t trying to do anything. If she chose the bed though then everything was fair game. Thinking about this logic today, I’m pretty sure that this is usually how guys end up with rape charges but at the time it made perfect sense to me.

Officer: “So why did you rape her?”

Larry: “I didn’t rape her, she chose to sit on the bed and not the chair.”

I let her pull out her books and begin to study as I did with others in the past. I watch television until I see the chance to slide in and became a distraction.

Sheryl: “Oh man, maybe I shouldn’t have smoked.”

Larry: “Wait, you’re high?”

S: “As Hell.”

L: “Well that’s counterproductive.”

She continues to try to explain why she smoked and why it was a good idea at first. Logically it’s not making sense to me so all I can think is,

“This must be my chance to creep in. She walked in distracted.”

I slide over closer as we continue this dumb conversation on why studying and being high is synonymous to spaghetti and meatballs. I begin to start tickling her and she starts squirming and laughing. She’s not pushing me away so I guess study time is officially over. We push the books off the bed and now I’m on top of her. Feeling on her premature breasts and caressing her nipples to put her in the mood. I push her legs into the air so I can start to slide her pants off. There is only one problem. From the time of when I first tickled her to now she has been laughing uncontrollably. I guess the weed is finally kicking in and she now can’t control her actions. It’s not bothering me that much so I’m continuing to slide her pants off. I’d rather her be laughing than saying “No.” WIN!!!! Or so I thought,

Sheryl: *laughing uncontrollably* “O my God, O my God…. I gotta fart.”

Larry: *BURR* “Huh!!!”

S: *still laughing* “I’m gonna fart.”

L: *still has legs in the air and pants in hand*

S: *still laughing*




My mind is so thrown off at this point that I have no idea what to do. I drop her legs and just fall back onto my pillows and stare at the TV. Sheryl is finally calming down her laughter and gets her composure back. My eyes are glued to the TV as I try to grasp what the hell just happened.

“Did she just fart on me?”

“I’m about to breathe out my mouth”

“She better not try to finish studying.”

“Get your pooty ass out of here.”

It’s one thing to be pissed on. Technically when a woman squirts she’s pissing on you anyway. But to be farted on is an entirely new level of being violated. By this time, Sheryl has caught on that she has overstayed her welcome so she begins to pack up her stuff. My problem at this point is that she didn’t have the slightest look of embarrassment on her face. Either she was so high that she wasn’t aware of what just happened or I’m not the first guy that she’s farted on. Either way she must go. I walk her to her car and cut her short on the conversation she tries to have before she leaves. She gets in and takes off. I go back inside and febreeze my room of all the foreign aromas in the atmosphere. I never invited her over again after that and like I said before, I also never helped a girl “study” again. To this day if I bump into Sheryl she has no look of shame on her face. She’s just a shitty person. Pun intended.

Moral of the Story: Do Not…I repeat, Do NOT take any advice from this story. Stop lying about knowing things you have no idea about, don’t try to justify any reason to force yourself onto a woman, don’t tickle a woman if she is high as a kite, and last but not least if she says, “I have to fart” don’t sit there with her legs in the air trying to process things. Let her ass get up and go to the bathroom. It could have been ten times worse. She could have shit on me or sharted.


I got my license my senior year of high school when I was 18. My birthday is in November so I started school late. So, NO! I have never been kept back for all you smart asses. What I soon learned was that driving a car made you popular. Not playing football. Not running track. Not being the class clown. But having a car that you can drive to and from campus just rose your popularity stock through the ROOF.

Yo, Larry where you headed? Can I roll?

It didn’t matter where I was going. I could have been going to the clinic to get tested for HIV. People would hop in the car just to be moving around and throw in where they wanted to go at the right time. Yeah, you could say they were using me but I enjoyed being out as much as they did. You could say I created Uber back in 2007. LOL. It also gave you great opportunity to have sex. Of course…. I dropped the ball….occasionally. Ok…A LOT!

Reverse Cowgirl

I drove my mom’s car my senior year in high school. It was a 2001 Oldsmobile Aurora, I called her Ari. Ari was my partner in crime and each day we roamed the streets of Columbia, South Carolina looking for whatever kind of trouble we could get into. Being a senior had its privileges as well that enabled me to find more trouble. Having a late start because I wasn’t required to have a 1st period class and early dismissal because I didn’t have a 7th period course left room for the Devil’s playground. I was in high school about an hour and a half less than most of my peers. Not to mention that I skipped class…A LOT. It got to one point in my senior year that I just knew that I wasn’t going to graduate because I had skipped so many classes throughout the year. Now that I think about it I wasn’t just skipping throughout my senior year. I skipped class probably my entire high school career. It all began when my mom and I moved into a house directly behind the school. All I had to do was leave school and I would be home after the 7-minute walk.

I remember the first time I tried to take advantage of having this premium location. A few years before I actually started driving Ari to school I had to walk. The girlfriend I had at the time professed her love to me and I returned it by saying,

“I Love You Too”

So, the next step to seal the deal was to perform sexual intercourse. She was a virgin and so was I so we figured that it would be perfect for us to lose it to each other. We were planning a lifetime together and we hadn’t even made it to our Junior prom yet. We set a date to perform the act of popping each other’s cherries and decided we will skip a few classes because sex was way more important than passing or failing. The day finally rolls around and we meet each other at the designated location for us to walk to my house. As we are walking we are chatting about how nervous and excited we are. I figured that I would lighten the mood by joking,

Larry: *Pats Pants* “O shoot, I forgot my key”

Girlfriend: “Larry are you serious??!!”

L: *Laughing* “Nah I’m just playing girl”

G: “O…stop playing. I was about to be so mad.”

We get to my street and we are almost there. The anticipation is building up. I’m trying to remember everything my older friends told me.

“Just relax…You don’t want to overthink it.”

“Take some Tylenol. It will calm you down for the moment”

“If you feel like you’re about to cum then pinch the head of your penis. That’ll send it back.”

Relax. Pop a Pill. Pinch. I think I got it. We get to the front door and I stick my hand in my right pocket. I stick my hand in my left pocket. Back pocket. Right pocket. Left pocket. You’ve got to be shitting me. I actually forgot my keys. This event was planned and I always had my keys to walk home. How could I forget them this day?

The house had a carport and outside was our laundry room. I suggest we go in there and just get it in on top of the dryer. I saw Tyrese do it in ‘Four Brothers’ so I figured it couldn’t be that hard.

Girlfriend: “Ew no…I want my first time to be special in a bed and romantic.”

I bet today her definition of romantic and special probably would require outside and a dryer. Hmph, I was just trying to excel her sexual life and she didn’t realize it. We broke up before we ever got a chance at it again.

Fast forward back to my senior year, each day started off with me dropping my mom off at work since we drove the same car. It usually ended with me picking her up around 5 or 6 PM. So that meant all my mischievous acts had to happen between the hours of 7 AM and roughly 5:30 PM. Of course, from about 9 AM to 2 PM I was “supposed” to be in school. As you can tell, I didn’t follow that schedule too often. Now don’t misquote me based off the prelude. I wasn’t some kid that just blossomed and stumbled upon this new thing called popularity by driving a car. I was on the football team, track team and I was the school clown (not just class clown). It’s safe to say that I was pretty well known around campus. Having a car just gave people more of a reason to want to be around me.

Now I am a firm believer in that you can’t force me to give into peer pressure because I make every decision that I want. I don’t need your help for me to make bad decisions. You just tell me what you are about to do and I decide for myself whether it is appealing enough for me to partake in the activities. Not everyone is built like me though. So, it’s easy for me to force other people into peer pressure. Mostly women, or at that age I guess girls, would be the ones that I pressured and I would just ask them to skip their classes to come hang with me.

One of those times it was raining pretty hard in the afternoon. This was one of the few days I stayed all day for school. I’m getting ready to head home and as I’m leaving campus I see this girl that had a crush on me our freshman year. She’s looking outside and says,

Girl: “Awww man, its nasty out there. Hopefully it’s not that bad by the time I have to walk home.”

Larry: “Why don’t you just skip your class and I give you a ride home?”

G: “Okay.”

This girl was not the cutest. She actually wasn’t marginally attractive. She was the epitome of a butterhead. Everything below her neck resembled Buffy the Body. Everything above her neck resembled a victim of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We hop in Ari and head to her place. She stayed in the same neighborhood as me, I was just always waiting for her to invite me over. We get to her place and I say to her,

Larry: “You know you don’t have to go in. We could go around the corner and head to my place.”

Girl: “As much as I’d love to you know that I’m dating your teammate.”

Screw my teammate. I was trying to get it in. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. I guess my peer pressure persuasion failed me that time, but it didn’t mean that I wasn’t trying.

See the way I saw it was, my mom and I drove the same car. I dropped my mom off at work at 7 AM and picked her up around 5:30 PM. So, what did that mean? The house was vacant between those hours. We lived right behind my high school so it was a hop and a skip to take someone there and have a good time. Just make sure they are gone before I have to pick my mom up or make sure they got back to campus to catch their bus ride home.

This method was a hit or miss as you can see. Trying to get a female to my place and get everything I wanted to get done before a bus ride or my mom called was a bit of a rushed process. Mainly two reasons: Reason one, I was on the football team and my 6th period teacher was one of my football coaches. Meaning, if I skipped that class and showed up to practice then that meant I had some explaining to do. Did that stop me? Nope…guess I’ll just do a little extra running today. So that leaves me an entire period to get a girl to my house and back to campus for them to catch the bus and for me to make it to football practice on time. We were teenagers that had no idea what we were doing. It took us 45 minutes just to warm up the oven to start cooking. Reason two being that outside of the football season my mom was probably the biggest cock blocker of my sexual life. Just when you are about to get it in.

*Ring, Ring*

*Looks at phone*

“Hey ma, I’ll be on the way soon.”

“Well, I guess I must get you back to campus because my mom has no idea what her little angel is doing at this exact time in life.”

I remember one time I had a girl in my bed at my house. Clothes off, kissing on her neck, sucking on her breasts and getting ready to seal the deal. And who calls? Yep…Mommy dearest saying that she got off work early. I sent the chick home on the bus and went to pick my mom up. This girl was madly in love with me as well. She was a virgin and willing to lose her virginity to yours truly. I have no idea what was up with these girls wanting to give their virginity to me. Fast forward to today I am glad that my mom called me because the older you get the more you realize on how taking a woman’s virginity is not all that it is hyped out to be.

At that time, I was all into giving girls hickeys on their neck. That was the stamp that said, “Larry Was Here!” Unfortunately for her, her mom wasn’t too fond of the Larry stamp and I found out the next day that her mom went straight Mike Tyson on her when she saw her little girl with a hickey on the side of her neck. Oops….My bad.

We are getting closer to the end of the year. As a senior around this time of the year, all you can think about is exempting final exams so the next time you show up to school would be to walk across the stage to receive your hard-earned diploma. Sounds like a perfect time to skip class to me. There was one day during this time, I showed up to school and I wasn’t really feeling it. I was there in basketball shorts, flip flops and no bookbag. That’s how much I wasn’t feeling it. All someone had to say to me was a hint of skip and I was ready.


“Skip to my lou”

“Slip Up”

Hell, all it had to do was rhyme with skip and I was all for it. I didn’t make it to my 3rd period before I was in the hallway with one of my teammates and he said,

“Hey, you tryna leave campus?”

There’s my cue. We walk to my car and he has this chick with him that wanted to tag along. I knew the girl. She was the ex of another one of my teammates. We will call her Gloria. Gloria had the biggest booty in school. You could put her in a trash bag designed by Missy Elliot and you still would see her curves. What she looks like today? I have no idea. I’m pretty sure that her stomach has caught up to her ass, but back then she was all cute face, slim waist and nothing but a huge ass. In my mind, I’m thinking,

“Damn, my boy gonna hit that.”

We ride around and do random things just because we are young kids with no money but we have a car. After about an hour and a half of riding and bouncing all over Columbia my homeboy asks for me to take him to the other side of town so he can go to Firehouse Subs. I’m thinking that he’s hungry. Plus, we have nothing else to do so off to Firehouse we go. We get to Firehouse and we all get out. He walks in first because it was his idea of course. He’s met by another guy and they start talking and laughing. I start to get the vibe that we aren’t there to just make a food stop. For one, we have been in Firehouse for about 8 minutes now and he’s yet to order any food. Two, him and this other guy are having the time of their life just talking. He quickly addresses my confusion by letting me know that he is going to leave Firehouse with his friend and he no longer needs my Uber services. Well geez, bye to you too bro.

Luckily my new-found lady friend didn’t leave my side. Probably because she doesn’t have a damn car. Gloria and I hop back in the car and we come to one huge realization. Our mutual friend was the fun one in the group. After he left the car Gloria and I were more lost than Lewis and Clark without Sacagawea. Maybe that’s why we got ditched, because he realized that he was the fun guy and we were two lame kids tagging along for the ride.

Anyways, I ask Gloria,

Larry: “So what do you want to do?”

Gloria: “It doesn’t matter. We can do anything.”

Now I know you guys are looking at that and thinking, “BINGO!!! We got action”, not 18- year- old Larry though. I am literally sitting here trying to figure out what an 18- year- old male and a 17- year- old female could do in the middle of the day after skipping school while your parents are at work and no one is home. ALL THE TIMES I’VE TRIED TO GET FEMALES BACK TO MY PLACE AND FAILED!!! I’m riding back to my side of town and I’m doing my best Winnie The Pooh impersonation as I’m going through my head,


I cut the music on and we head down the road. I make a left. I make a right. I keep straight. She isn’t saying anything and neither am I. Complete silence. I stop to let an old guy cross the street safely. I make another left. I keep straight. Make another right. She has no idea where we are going. Pull into a cul de sac and finally bring the car to a halt. You’ve finally reached your destination. Mind you, I was heading in the direction of my house. Earlier I said my home was located right behind my high school. I took her to the last place that she probably would have never guessed. That’s Right, BACK TO SCHOOL right in front of the gymnasium. She got out of the car and had by far the biggest look of disgust on her face as she closed the door. I play it back in my head today and all I can hear is,

“Nigga you must be gay or something because I laid my goodies on a silver platter for you and you bring me back to this DAMN SCHOOL!”

I don’t think as she woke up that morning and said,

“Damn, I don’t want to go to school today.”

did she see her day ending in classic fashion as it had. The bad thing is that after I dropped her off at school I just proceeded to go home and watch TV. Which makes no sense to me at all. After realizing how many times I tried to get women to my place and failed this was the perfect opportunity. She had nothing to do, I had way more than enough time to take her to my place and have her back at the school and my house was vacant. I’m pretty sure that Gloria would have been fine with whatever we did she just didn’t want to be in school. And it never dawned upon me that I missed that opportunity until about 8 years later. If you ask me I probably would have seen Gloria at school the next day and tried to hold a conversation with her just because I felt that we were a tad bit cooler now. I was so oblivious to what was going on that I couldn’t tell when a female just wanted to give you her vaginal goodness for fun. Some call it ball dropping but I like to call it stupidity. Where is Gloria now you ask? I have no idea. I honestly never saw her again after that day. Larry: Zero Failures: Calculating.

Moral of the Story: Go to class. Maybe if I spent a few more days in class then I would have been smart enough to pick up on the clues when a woman is willing to have sex with you. Not many times in a man’s life does sex just come that easily. You must seize every moment of that. So, with that being said. Go…To….Class.


One thing that a man could never have too many of are nude photos. A woman could ask a man 365 days in a row if he would like for her to send a nude and he would happily accept each time. Nudes are a mixture of things for men. One, its guaranteed sex for guys that have yet to be alone with the chick yet to seal the deal. It’s also like knowing a Pornstar that you can actually touch. And for the women with boyfriends, it is a constant reminder on why he shouldn’t be with any other woman (Disclaimer: Not all men follow this rule). I remember when I got my first nude in high school. It’s synonymous to the first time you get a woman to perform oral on you. It’s a high that each man constantly chases until he hits a certain age. For some guys, however, nudes can consume your life and freak some girls out.

Show & Tell

I often say that joining a black fraternity was a mistake for me. Mainly because one of the reasons that I joined a fraternity was to gain access to more women. Young guys laugh when they ask me,

Guy: “Why did you join the fraternity?”

Larry: “To get all the girls.”

I’m completely serious when I say that. But what I did not realize though was that being in a black fraternity gained me access to just the black female population. You ask yourself, “Yeah, what’s the problem there?” The problem was that I already had access to the black female population. My school preached diversity. We had Caucasian, Asians, Native Americans, Middle Eastern and some Hispanics. The only one that black frats tapped into were the black and Hispanics. So, it seemed as if my original plan for joining the frat turned out to be a failure. I had to modify my plan so I wouldn’t go my entire college career kicking myself. I started to notice that the frat did gain me a VIP card to all the new students that joined the black female population semester after semester. Most of those new students consisted of the new class of freshmen but every now and again we were blessed with very attractive transfers.

I remember that there was one transfer. This was before I was in a fraternity so she’s not the subject of this chapter, but I was infatuated with her. She was about 5’5, brown skin, average body (nice booty and nice breasts), but her scent. Her scent is what had me floating around like Pepe Le Pew every time she came around. She wore a body oil that smelled like it was made by God himself. My infatuation with her was very short lived though. The first time I finally asked her what was the name of her perfume I realized that she was from the other side of the tracks.

Larry: “What’s the name of that perfume? It smells amazing.”

Chick: “PUSSY!!!”

The way that one word came out her mouth for just that one second made me feel like I was hanging with my homeboy. Now as much as I drop the ball it also doesn’t take much for me to write a girl off when she does something that I don’t like. It could be something as small as her toe nails are always chipped when I see her. NOPE…I don’t like you anymore. My dumb self-attempted to convince myself that I could live with this and kept pursuing her. Wrong move, it got worse. We would be hanging out and she would just let out a burp. A large burp that sounded louder than mine. I was thinking that the next thing that would happen would be that she started farting around me, and we all know the history with me and farting females.

I counted that one as a lost we just became really good friends while we were in school together. Let’s fast forward to the next year and now I’m a member of campus Greek Life. Not much has changed in my life. My homegirl is still proudly walking around letting people know that she is rocking pussy on her body and the same women that were attracted to me are still attracted to me. Until one day I noticed that there was this one girl that had been paying me much attention over the past few weeks.

She was a transfer that was in a sorority at her previous school. Double Bingo! Maybe joining this fraternity is finally about to pay off. Her name was Mya and Mya had a phat ass. I’m talking about one of those model booties that you find in your boyfriend’s Instagram favorites because you’re being nosey snooping through his phone phat. If you were just a random chick then you’d be a hater and say,

“That’s fake, she got butt shots.”

But it was all hers and I had no idea why I didn’t notice it earlier.

Well Mya would be around the same crowds that I would be around and she would find everything I said to be funny. You know how when females have a crush on a guy and there is nothing that he says that is not funny. It took me a while to notice the slew of Ke Ke’s that were coming from her direction when we hung out. BUT for the record, I didn’t drop the ball because EVENTUALLY I caught on and we started talking more than usual. I found out about what school she transferred from, the sorority she was in, and how close she stayed to me off campus. Everything else was small talk after I found out that she lived around the corner from my place. I felt like an evil villain as I sat there running all these things through my head on what we could do.

A few weeks pass by and we finally get to that part where you exchange numbers. I moved slow on things like that because I knew where you would be the next day. No need for me to rush to get your number if I know I will see you the next day. I tell Mya that since we live so close that we should hang out sometime. She was fine with that plan and asked for me to send her my address. I send the address and just wait for her to tell me when she was planning on coming over.

In my mind, I have only one thing that I am thinking. Mya is coming over and I am trying to get her naked. What is the quickest way to do that? With the assistance of alcohol of course. Mya finally hits me up and says that she is getting ready to come over. It is night time so to me the timing is perfect. You know what they say, “The Freaks Come Out at Night…What What What. “

*knock, knock, knock*

I go answer the door and there Mya is in a hoodie and a pair of leggings.

“She showed up in the perfect outfit”

“Don’t screw this up Larry”

“Ok, cool…relax. You got this.”

We head to my room and she sits down on the bed. You guys already know what this means. She bypassed the chair in the corner so she’s here for the action. I don’t want to rush into things and freak her out so we have a little conversation. Then I finally pop the question,

Larry: “You want a drink?”

Mya: “Uhhh…yeah, I really don’t drink like that though.”

L: “Whatttt? Live a little.”

M: “Okay…but you have to make it sweet for me.”

L: “Don’t worry. I gotchu.”

Back in the college days the drink of choice was white liquor, mainly vodka. If you ask me today I would prefer a glass of brown, but back then vodka was the way to go because that was the only way you could get a chick to drink with you as well.

I go grab the vodka out of the freezer, two glasses and the Hawaiian Punch from the fridge. I mix it for her and carry the bottle and punch back to the room. At this point she is sitting on the floor with her legs crossed. I didn’t plan for this move.

“What does this mean?”

“Is she here for the action or not?”

“Is this a maybe?”

As I’m writing this I can’t help but crack up at the fact that I was counting so much on where a woman sat to determine how the night was going to turn out. Anyways, I ignore it and hand her the drink and start drinking with her. I finish my first glass and start to fix a second one. Mya is still on her first one.

“Sheesh…she wasn’t playing when she said she didn’t drink.”

She finally finishes her first glass and I grab it to pour another.

Mya: “O no…no more.”

Larry: “It’s two glasses…what’s the worst that can happen.”

The logic behind why I was more amped to pour her more drinks happened years ago, I remember hanging with a girl and she said how she tried her best not to drink around guys because the alcohol turned her into a super hoe. So, in this situation I just thought that Mya suffered from the same syndrome.

Mya: “Okay…just one more and then I’m done.”

HA! Deal! I’ll just make this one stronger. She gets halfway done with that glass and I look and think that it is now or never. I go in for the kill and attempt to kiss her. She kisses me back. Houston, we have lift off. My hands rub across her thighs and move to under her shirt.

Mya: “We shouldn’t do this.”

She’s just saying that. She wants this. I continue to feel on her breasts as we kiss. She’s not pushing me away so she doesn’t mean that. I pick her up and grab a handful of her ass.

Mya: “Larry, we’re drunk.”

Larry: “I know.”

Mya: “We shouldn’t do this.”

She’s just saying that. She wants this. I turn her around and bend her over the bed. She giggles.

Mya: “You’re trouble.”

I KNEW SHE WANTED THIS. I begin to pull down her leggings and proceed to slap her on the ass.

Mya: “Oh my God, we shouldn’t do this.”

Okay. DAMMIT WOMAN! We won’t do it. I stop and let her pull her pants back up. One thing I do know is that when a woman says no that many times then just don’t do it. Next thing I know is that she goes to the cops and says,

“He got me drunk and…..”

They wouldn’t need to hear anymore after that. *Clink Clink* I’m in the back of the cop car. After she pulls her pants up she keeps smiling and giggling telling me how much trouble I am. I’m thinking,

“Whatever girl…You’re wasting my alcohol.”

She hangs out for a little bit longer, I guess to sober up, and then she finally leaves. I walk her to her car, give her a kiss and then go back inside. We continue to text back and forth each day because I’m thinking that it’s only a matter of time until she finally lets me have sex with her and sure enough I was right. The opportunity presented itself right on a silver platter with gold outlining.

It was the evening of my birthday and I’m just hanging out in my room watching TV. My phone begins to ring.

*ring, ring*

Larry: “Hello”

Mya: “Happy Birthday!!!”

L: “Aww Thanks.”

M: “You’re welcome. What are you doing?”

L: “Sitting here watching TV. A whole bunch of nothing”

M: “Well that sounds like a lot of excitement.”

L: “Yeah I know…you should have sent me some birthday nudes so I’d have something else to look at.”

M: “Why don’t you come over here and take them yourself?”

My eyes lit up with joy. Nothing made me happier than to get a nude that I could look at later when I wasn’t with the chick and Lord knows that I would have loved to look at nudes of Mya all day. My car was in the shop at the time so I tell her to come over and pick me up. She comes by and I hop in the car. She looks happy to see me so I know it is about to be a good time.

We get to her place and we walk through her front door. She has two roommates so as we walk upstairs to her room I am introduced to her roommates along the way. We get to her room and she lives on the top floor of this three-story townhome. I walk in and she shuts the door behind me. I guess I caught her in the middle of cleaning up because she begins to pick up things as if I had been there the entire time. I lay on the bed and just watch her walk around the room finishing her chores. She takes off the sweatpants she was wearing as she picked me up and underneath she had a pair of short shorts. The kind where her ass cheeks are hanging out of the bottom. I am caught in a trance and continue to think,

“Should I take a picture?”

“She told me to take my picture”

“Nah, I’ll just wait until she gets in the bed.”

She finally gets everything squared away and comes to the bed. I’m lying on her side so she politely asks me to move over. I slide over and she gets in the bed and under the covers. I hop under the covers as well while asking her the million-dollar question,

Larry: “Soooo when do I get my nudes?”

Mya: *giggles*

Larry: “O ok…I’ll just take one now.”

I hop under the covers with my phone and try to turn her so I can start snapping pictures. The only problem is that she is fighting me back. Well this isn’t going as planned. Just imagine how this looks. You walk into the room and you see a bulge as big as a person under the covers and you see a female above the covers fighting back and squirming around the entire bed. It probably looks like she is fighting a very persistent ghost that really wants nude pictures, right? Well if that’s what you guessed then that is exactly what it looked like.

This goes on for a good couple of minutes until I finally give up and realize that I’m not getting a nude. I come back up from under the covers and Mya turns her back to me.

“Did I do something wrong?”

I’m so confused at this point. She invited me over for nudes and when I try to get nudes I don’t get the…OOOOOOOOOOO. It finally dawns upon me. I was never there to get nudes. Well not any actual nude pictures that is. I was there to have sex and I would have saw her nude.

“Stupid…Stupid…Stupid Larry.”

Now she’s sitting here giving me the cold shoulder and what made matters worse was that I didn’t drive there so I must either lie there or decide to go to sleep as well. I chose the latter. We wake up in the morning and the ride back to my place is probably by far the most awkward ride that I have ever had with a woman. Good thing it was only a 4-minute drive. She drops me off and I say bye as she heads to her morning class. I head to my room and lay on my bed as I play back in my head how I just messed up my birthday present.

After that night things, just weren’t the same between Mya and me. I guess the “trouble” she thought I was I just wasn’t that guy. I tried to hang with her multiple times after that but she just kept curving me like it was her life’s mission to curve me. I finally gave up and put it on my board of numerous failures. I would still randomly see Mya around and try to rekindle the flame but at that point she was over me. The guy that she had a crush on was all ruined within seconds that night as she fought the nudey ghost.

Moral of the Story: Now I have one for the women and the fellas. Fellas: If she tells you to come over to take some nudes for yourself. Wait until SHE tells you to take the nudes. Play it cool. Don’t rush it. Ladies: If you tell a man to come over and take some nudes. Then let his ass take some nudes. Don’t be out here playing with a man’s emotions. I just told yall that men love nudes and yall want to sit here and play mind games like, “When I say come take nudes I really mean come have sex with me.” THEN TELL THAT MAN TO COME HAVE SEX!!! SHEESH!!!

Thank You

I would like to Thank everyone that took the time to read this short novel and get a kick out of my misery. I would also like to Thank everyone that received this book by subscribing to my website. If you enjoyed these stories and would love more then there are two steps that you should take.

  1. Go to www.livinglikelarryp.com and subscribe so you can stay informed with more stories like these and future books that are to come.

2.) If you haven’t purchased ‘Fumble’, the book that comes after this one, then go onto to Amazon and purchase your copy. You can also get there from the website.

Finally, I would like to Thank everyone that helped me put together this book for everyone to enjoy. Although my stories may be humorous to me I must make sure they are humorous to you all as well. Make sure to stay on the lookout for future books as well as my blog posts.

Thank You Again, I appreciate you all!

More Coming Soon……..

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