Table of Contents
Land of Make Believe
to the Real World
Much Period of Calm
to the US and Latham NY
“Is there a way to contact you? I think i know the
answer. We, left behind, wouldn't mind to hear from you. I thank you
for the dreams. Thanks for your compassion. I
feel we are stranded here for a while. And now and then we feel out
of place, and are trying to find our way through life. We come and go
as friend or foe, forever disenchanted. “
Conceived April 2015
by the Disenchanted
This is to my demised parents who tried their best.
My 25-year-old daughter who will remain always 25
my dead friends.
To My family.
I decided to write this in 2015 seven years after my
Mom's death; six years after my Dad's; five years since my body took
a beating by a 2000 lb. car, doing 35 mph in the shoulder of the
road; five years after my best and only friend died; one year after
my 17-year-old dog; and five months after my youngest daughter’s
death by overdose. I am currently editing this document and it is
December 13, 2016. I added this date because my other dog died Easter
Sunday in 2016 at the age of 14. The past 10 years have been
wonderful, between drug addiction and death.
My head is really screwed up at present and I am in
chronic pain due to the accident. I thought maybe going back and
writing it all down may help me sort out some of the crazy thoughts.
Get off the drugs I am prescribed (Xanax, Valium, Prozac). I am also
self-medicating three to four days a week with methadone or heroin.
Currently they are the only days that I am truly happy. Every other
day is like the movie 'Ground Hog Day ' with Bill Murray. I crack one
of my eyes open and then I say “Oh Shit, here we go again, another
day just like the other”.
The accident has turned my life upside down. I tried to
return to my calling 'Drawing'. It has not worked out, so I think I
will try some 'Writing'. If I learn how to spell.
I started this document on September 25, 2015 at 11:40
am. My daughter has since died of a heroin and Kolonopin overdose,
and who knows what else, on May 23, 2015. She will always be in my
heart and part of my soul. I hope she finally found relief where ever
that may be. I cannot wait to see her again to give her a big hug and
a kiss. You will never know how much I love and miss you.
the years 2015 to 2017
I started to write this book after some unconscionable
events took place, which in some way may have been prevented. I could
see what was happening in the beginning and just didn’t know what
to do. Rehabs are bullshit. I’ve been there and have done that. We
put our daughter in at least six to eight rehabs. All she ever found
were more connections.
On May 23, 2015 at the age of 25 my daughter took a
fatal overdose of Heroin and Kolonopin. She just turned 25 on the
20th of the month. This didn’t happen suddenly but was
building up for a couple of months. She overdosed at least six times
prior within a two month period. Two of the times we put her in the
tub and hit her with a cold shower. She came to and we would keep her
walking, by holding her on either side, and forcing coffee down her.
The other times she was blue with purple lips. We tried CPR while the
ambulance came. They would give her a shot of Narcon and she would
come back. She cursed us every time for bringing her back. She was a
lost soul. She was too intelligent, a perfectionist, and just wanted
to get high. Sometimes, I believe my father cursed us, which is a
stupid excuse. When I was at my worst he would tell me “I hope you
have a child just like you and you can find out what it is like”.
Dad I had one worse than me and I was no one to be bringing her up. I
was a parent but also a drug addict and she fed off the drug addict
side of me. She knew how to get me going, it never took much. At
least you didn't have that to contend with. My wife and I moved to
North Carolina in 2013. Our daughter was living with her boyfriend’s
parents while she finished her last year at a local community
college. I received a call from the mother telling me they were
shooting heroin. Leaving empty bags and needles all over their room.
I told her to check into a rehab and we picked her up at the door
when she was released. We brought her to North Carolina in June 2014
hoping it would make a difference, but it was one big disaster. Of
course, she found the wrong crowd. I believe the second night she was
there she brought heroin home and said “Dad, look what I found?”
As a Father, I should have wrestled her for it and flushed it down
the toilet. But as a weak asshole of a spineless person I shared it
with her. We never did it in front of each other. Ha, what a warped
sense of morals, couldn't watch her do it but could share it with
This time her and I were home alone. I passed out on
the couch around four-thirty. I entered her room to let her know I
was leaving to pick her mother up from work at eight o’clock. She
was already on the floor, I tried to revive her but it was useless. I
called 911. They came and took her to the hospital. Somehow my wife
found her way home. I passed out in bed. At one time my wife came to
see me and told me our daughter was brain dead and we had to pull the
plug. Our oldest daughter and her husband drove down from
Pennsylvania. Our other daughter was only two hours away and she came
with her boyfriend. We went to the hospital the next day and she
looked fine to me but she wasn’t. Hardest thing we ever had to do.
She finally achieved what she wanted all along, “The Gift of
We had her cremated and took a ride to NJ where all our
family resides. I have two sisters who insisted on a small mass. I
saw no purpose but we went. It was the longest ten hours in my life
with this little four by eight box containing her remains. I was in a
complete haze. I couldn’t wait to wake up from this gut wrenching
dream. A small Mass was said with family and close friends. I was in
such a daze that I barely remember anything that happened or even
going back to NC a week later. I was still waiting to wake up from
this nightmare. In a way, I still feel she is in another state and
will call me to Money Gram her forty dollars like every month.
I really do not feel like I am here anymore. I love
everyone as much as I always have, if not more. Life has lost all
meaning. What I believed in before I do not now. I just want to
sedate myself twenty-four hours a day (like the old Ramones
song). Now a lot of you will think me crazy but I do not care. This
is the only way I can explain it. We had a real love hate
relationship my youngest and I. She hated me when I wouldn’t give
in and get high with her. She would seek me relentlessly until I
caved. At this point it was my turn to be pissed, but once we got
something we were one big happy family. The part that I feel is
missing may be my soul. She took a piece of my soul with her. That is
what is missing, if such a thing even exists. I loved her so much and
I do believe she loved me. How many late teens or early twenties
think of anything else except the way they feel. Especially when
drugs are involved. I am totally lost at this point in life and have
no idea of what to do. Senseless to be here nowhere to go. Not really
knowing who you are accept knowing you did have a past and most
likely not a very good one. I do not blame my daughter for what
happen but I look at the spineless creature I am. I caused all of
this. I do not blame her, I blame myself for being such a weak
asshole. I take full responsibility.
Presently, I lay down for bed around 10:00 or 11:00 pm.
I take Elavil to help me sleep (which is complete crap), sometimes
one or two Xanax, and Prozac in the morning just to face another day
(which does not help much). I will lay there, sometimes, for two to
four hours before falling asleep. My mind is racing a million miles a
second. All the thoughts flood my being from the top of my head to
the tip of my toes. Trying to get it to stop is next to impossible.
Some really bad things happened over the years and I really hurt the
ones I love the most. Then my mind wakes to the same thoughts by 4:30
am. I recorded everything that came to my head one evening:
88 and two WordPad. I hope I can get this version of word and to
work as well as one member name was on the Mac and two she didn't
miss a beat. I wanted to record my dreams but the pork I want the
record sure all share listening
OK now you're listening let's finish our documents in word. I want
to recall my faults as I lay there and tried to go to sleep my mind
races I think I would get some men and while this idea is for
drawings, for books and who knows what else I think you'd be very
wild and interesting because we have no control over our thoughts as
we tried to turn to sweep. We have one thought after another diff of
flowing into our brain and we find ourselves thinking of one end if
end of spectrum to the other listening it could not be a very long
book I believe that the most 6070 pages after that and reader would
get bored with it bought from 40 to 80 pages I think it would amuse
people are the CL wearily thank as relayed ended than an attempt to
alter a story had fishing people cannot sleep we'll lay there for two
or 3 hours and use both Israelis from one spectrum to the other that
that some 80 five had helped in the past three years and it has
helped I get my mind of the race is march were all I get a duo is
don't take the medication and there ought be just like before I'll be
there for 2 to 3 hours just all kinds of boats going to my head
making in some areas making up stories are rom what is this happened
was that had they not do this idea that he and superman 999 they too
weird AIDS is an insane............
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will stop nobody knows... .. ... . . . . .
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